Games
Mouthwashing
Mouthwashing is an indie, psychological horror game by Wrong Organ. It features gameplay in the style of classic PSX/PS1 style characters and overall look that brings about a nostalgic feeling of those games or games of the era.
I was immediately interested in wanting to play the game, if not for the hype surrounding it by several horror enthusiasts on the internet, but also because I myself hold a soft spot for old-style looking games (a la Puppet Combo) with horror, espeically. I went in blind, not knowing what to expect beyond whatever bits and pieces I was fed through fans on social media or whathaveyou.
There was bits of the story I knew from spoilers fed to me in this regard, but I didn't know anything about the underlying themes or characters, and was eager to check it out for myself.
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Players are introduced to the game with a bleak, eerie sunset on an LCD screen, with a mutilated man on a medical table, bandaged and looking at them with his sole eye. I think from here, I only grew more curious about what to expect- Of course, spoilers for anyone who hasn't played.
My first playthrough, I was confused, a bit anxious like I felt like I was on a timer. Or like, I had to rush through specific segments before "something" happened. My favorite parts were being able to talk to the other characters aboard the ship, the Tulpar.
Screenshot
Despite knowing I was going into a game with a psychological tag attached to it, I think it took me longer than it should for me to put together that what we see during these segments, are Jimmy's point of view. Jimmy, being one of the characters you play as throughought the narrative, (in the "present" or "future" in moments of the game) and Curly, the seemingly absent Capitan of the ship.
We play the game thinking the capitan went mad and decided to crash the ship. No real reason given and we're left to our own devices, as players, to piece together the puzzle that eventually gets fitted itself as the game progresses.
I have lots of complex feelings about this game...In that, for one; It feels like there aren't a lot of games that hone in on really shitty, scummy characters in a way like Jimmy is. Maybe that's for the best.
He's quickly shown to be a real ass. Dismissing others, giving orders and self-appointing himself as the "new" capitan as soon as the story begins. Jimmy, we eventually see, is a manipulative man. One who knows he's in position of "power" over his remaining coworkers, then turned "employees", if you want to call them that.
As the game progresses, we continuously see fragments- abstract mazes and otherworldly areas that stretch the relatively small space ship into vastness beyond what we can comprehend- we're looking into the mind of Jimmy, who is constantly trying to either "hide" or "run away" from his mistakes. His biggest fears and regrets.
But, we're not meant to feel bad for him. At least, that's what I've taken away from this. Maybe it's because I'm afab; having dealt with men in a certain way- men like Jimmy. Manipulators. People who know they're stronger than you, and can use their strength and "power" over you, especially in a workplace setting, to make you feel small and like you just can't do anything about it.
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It's apparent later on, that the whole reason the game is even happening/taking place, is because Jimmy purposely tried to crash the ship and rid everyone aboard. No one would ever know, right? Sweeping it all under the rug like he broke a vase. Then crying about it, as if he wasn't the one who caused it.
Everyone else was innocent enough. Save for Curly being an enabler for Jimmy's behavior. We see that Curly, the Capitan of the ship, chose to share some rather bad news regarding their future careers (or therelackof) for the space freighter company, Pony Express, that the other characters work for. And Jimmy takes it upon himself to proclaim that, well, at least dear leader Curly won't have to worry about anything. He'll still have a job after they're all let go.
One mistake after another, one bad judgement/action taken by someone trying to (or thinking he is) do his best at "handling" the situation. I often liket to compare this game to a situation of a crowded, over-worked manager at a fast food restaurant. Busy, busy. Always needing something done and also take care of people, including your employees. But that's just it. For everyone aboard, it's just a job.
Jimmy takes it upon himself to really mess things up for everyone involved from the get go. Hearing they'll be let go, but knowing Curly will be more or less left unscathed by it, he wants to pull one over on his so-called "friend". A literal "fuck you" to him, as a leader and capitan aboard the ship. Oh, Curly thinks he knows whats best? knows what goes on? He'll show him. And by that, Jimmy does the worst possible thing.
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And yet, he wanted to do so and get away with it. SA a woman, the only woman aboard the ship, Anya. Knowing everything that happens aboard the ship is scrutinized to the last minute detail (only sleep so long, only eat specific things, only do this or that or else "credits" will be docked), so Jimmy knows that if he abuses someone on the ship, Curly will be the one with the most tarnished record. Thereby making his life suffer, too.
And Jimmy thinks so, so little of Anya, that even in his mental breaks- his inner psyche that shows the "bad" he's done all the way up till "present", only shows her either censored or represented by the very thing he caused. An embryo? A uterus creature or womb with the titular "horse" motif as represented by both their business' mascot, and by superimposing this...caricature over Anya. She's so much "nothing" to Jimmy, even after knowing what he did to her, knowing he purposely raped her ONLY to "get back" at Curly for thinking he'd get out of this mass layoff "scott free", that he only ever sees her corpse once in game, and never has anything to say about it.
The youngest member of the group, Daisuke, even has himself portrayed physically within Jimmy's mental breaks. His hibiscus flower motifs from both a metaphorical sense (See: The meanings of flowers), and by his outfit- Jimmy can see how he let someone die young because of his actions. Of course, it's not like he didn't think there'd be a risk. He purposely told Daisuke to travel into a dangerous vent, even though he himself could've done it.
But he didn't. It's always someone elses' issue. Someone else to blame; someone else to MAKE do whatever Jimmy doesn't want to do, or rather "CAN'T" do. Jimmy is a failure. A weak, pathetic man who makes mistake after mistake, and then dares to cry about it like he wasn't the one who fucked everything up for everyone.
Swansea, the oldest and more seasoned member of their crew, openly admits to Jimmy his own faults- him admitting that the happiest moments of his life were when he was drunk and on death's door- not him getting sober, not him having a family...and he can admit that. To Jimmy's face, Swansea spits at him, telling him that at least he can admit it to himself. That he messed up, and tried to get better. But it didn't mean anything in the end. It never does.
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To the "fast food" business relation; I can see it entirely, especially when Anya tells Curly something jarring. In her own way, in her own words, she tried to tell Curly how she was abused. Or rather, gauging how he'd bridge the topic. She asks him, why they have locks on the medical room doors and the cockpit, but not the sleeping quarters?
I feel I could relate this to a coworker of a busy company telling her boss, "Hey, how come there's a lock on the closets but not the bathroom/changing room doors?" and Curly responds like anyone might- not thinking much of what I'd consider a pretty big red flag- "...Safety."
It feels like a joke. A slap in the face. Curly touts himself as always looking at "the bigger picture". But what of the finer details? You can marvel at the beauty of the earth and think it's pure and wonderful, but within it's landscape, you have war, abuse, famine, all sorts of horriffic stuff that you would have to be blind not to notice. Curly doesn't see this as a strange thing to ask about- about the locks on the doors to the sleeping quarters. Why would he? Anya only asked a question about it. She didn't outright TELL him what happened.
But, did she need to? This was her dipping her toe into the "will he even care?" or "how do I tell him? or anyone? we're stuck in space for around the time it would take to gestate AND birth the result of what Jimmy did. Whether she "told" on him or not wouldn't change what he did, nor make it any easier to "fix" or hell, get back home sooner.
I can relate this to several personal experienecs, wherein a job is just that. A job. None of these people you work with or under or above even mean anything to others. They're just heads- mouths to feed, people to make sure are following things By The Book(tm), and when you try and bring the REALITY of something like SA to someone in charge who is very good friends with said abuser...it almost always ends up badly for the victim.
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Curly, instead of making sure Anya was safe or ensuring he'd somehow punish Jimmy, tells Anya, the victim, that he's "known him for a long time" and he'll "talk to him". An all too common response to victims- The guy probably didn't "mean" to! Let me get HIS side of the story. As if the proof isn't already there when Anya tells Curly she's pregnant.
Anya had told Jimmy, and it's more or less implied he'd have nothing to do with it, and possibly implied he'd rather she "took care of it" herself. This could mean a number of things, but considering the way the game went, it's very clear what Jimmy meant by that. The way he spoke to her during the "after the crash" moments in the game are hard, beyond hard to read through, as he treats her terribly, all while knowing he did this to her.
When confronting Jimmy about what he did to Anya, Jimmy cryptically talks about how, if their ship was never found, then no one else would ever even know about these "mistakes". Like he'd just end everyone's lives of his own accord, becasue anything else is better than "taking responsibility for his actions". Jimmy doesn't know, or refuses to acknowledge what "responsibility" even means. He's a man-child. A tantrum having manipulator, who decides to take matters into his own hands.
And Curly more or less lets him. He watches him walk away, into the cockpit and steer the ship to an asteroid. Panicking in the hallway, Jimmy sits there as Curly rushes in and tries to force-correct the ship before a head-on collision that might really kill them all. But, he let him get that far. He watched Jimmy say what he was going to do, and he did it! So, why are they both panicking?
Clearly, I have big feelings on the topic outright. I wish we could've seen more of Anya. I wish we could've seen more of her, of her life or who she was as a person, but I know this game had many different points to make- one being how it's all too common for this kind of thing to happen- a woman, let alone the sole woman in a workplace environment, getting the brunt of abuse when it comes to men in power. I'm not saying this always happens. I'm saying it DOES happen, though. And we should look at it as it is.
Screenshot
I've wrote about this at length in other spaces. I'll share those same thoughts as well:
Jimmy is a very well written scumbag. In that, he was made to be someone you more or less don't feel a lot of sympathy for, in my mind. Or rather, made as a character you wouldn't *want* to sympathize with. The notion that, oh, "he just needs a hug", or coddling behavior for him is very odd to me. It's something I see in the MW "community"- a lot of people feel like Jimmy is someone who "could have been" a better person if xyz factors weren't in place ...but they *were*. That's what Mouthwashing *is*. Unfortunate factors that left a terrible person "In charge", and now left to literally "Take responsibility" for his actions. He fumbles, hard. He isn't redeemed, he lets everyone down and he goes out thinking or maybe even just "pretending" he did "one good thing". It's all selfish, though. It's never really for anyone else's benefit but his own.
This goes on into the feelings I have about how some afab peole seem to really enjoy the idea of Jimmy being someone they wish they could "fix"- someone they could coddle and take care of, and that imaginary version of him is what they see in rose-tinted glasses- that, Jimmy isn't "bad", he's just "misunderstood"! But...that's not true. Some people would rather pretend Jimmy (or any fictional man, for that matter) is anything but what he is. a scumbag.
Of course, that's not to say you can't have your own interpretations or your own AUs (Alternate Universes) on the topic. Any topic. Any "fandom"- no one is saying you can't. For me, though...I would rather see him as he is. He's an irredeamable, sick man who fails and fails and ultimately loses it all, thinking he did the "right thing" in the end.
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There's a lot left to be said, at the end of the game, I feel. There's a lot of things left never knowing or heard about or seen, but I think that plays into the bittersweet nature of the game, Mouthwashing. Mouthwashing, as it's called, is named so, because after being stranded in space, they decide to crack open their precious cargo, knowing they're going to run out of food eventually. The expansive cargo that takes up the majority of the freighter's interior is filled to the brim with boxes and boxes of mouthwash.
Notably, Anya mentions how it's high sugar content negates any kind of anti-bacterial substances. Meaning- it's just sugar water with ethanol. Swansea, a recovering alcoholic, breaks his sobriety, knowing all too well that they're as good as dead- deciding to drink the mouthwash.
Later still, Jimmy uses this same concoction to try and "disenfect" Daisuke's deathly injuries after he sent him into the hazardous ventillation systems to force Anya out of the locked medical bay. We hear Daisuke scream out in pain, followed by him not knowing why Anya did what she did to herself, too. That's another thing about the game- the sheer amount of unknowing that all characters face. Daisuke, Anya and Swansea have no idea that Jimmy's the actual reason why the ship crashed at all. Or maybe, that's what it feels like. Part of me wants to believe that maybe Anya had an inkling to it. After all, the crash happened right after she told Jimmy she was pregnant.
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Rushing into the cockpit to steer the ship away, Curly suffers near life-threatening injuries. It's a miracle he's even still alive. Skin burned off, a single eye stares at Jimmy throughout his gameplay- always judging. Always seeing him. Looking into him. Knowing it all. And unable to speak. Unable to move or make any decision for himself, nor able to fight or defend himself, much the way Anya was.
Did Curly deserve to be mutilated for not knowing how to handle the issues in the game? No, probably not. But him enabling Jimmy- him saying he'd talk to him instead of comforting Anya or taking responsibility himself by acknowledging Jimmy's faults and punishing him SOMEHOW...just feels awful. It hurts.
And, this is something that unfortunately happens often. Not the mutilation, not the everyone going down with the ship- but SA in any instance. Curly thought himself to be this...beacon. This person who felt he hit the ceiling, the top of this metaphorical ladder of workplace society- whether he was made for better things or, because he's made it as far as possible one way...that he wonders if there's anything more. Anything beyond. Everyone really does feel smaller, left behind in that sense. At least, that's how Jimmy took it.
Jimmy self appointed Curly to be this righteous "god", seeing him in his mental breaks and hallucinations as a body, a person who would eagerly tell Jimmy "it's ok. I'll take the blame. You'll be free. I'll do it all for you." Because Jimmy is nothing. And Curly is everything. Curly is everything Jimmy isn't, everything he'll never be able to achieve. Always shining- the better man.
But he's not. He's as human as everyone else. He's just a human. He makes mistakes like a human does. He's just doing his job. Or, doing what he thinks is the best job he can do. All the while, patting Jim like he's this near helpless toddler- a man-child who can't figure out life on his own, so he needs someone else to pick up the pieces for him and tell him "Everything's going to be ok". But it isn't.
It won't ever be ok.
I love this game. I love the horror, the real, actual horror that comes with how terrifying it can be, to be helpless, and letting one of the least-capable men in charge slowly chip away at everyone and everything, until he's left with bits and pieces, crying and begging someone to clean his mess up for him. Jimmy thinks he's saving Curly. Giving him a second chance, like he did. A second chance to be the capitan, when he's the one who stole that right from Curly. Jimmy thinks he can make things right. He can't. He won't, ever.
This game terrifies me. This game makes me cry, and is one of the first games in a long, long time, that has captured my thoughts and psyche in a way I didn't think possible. Maybe I'm reading way, way too into it. Maybe that's ok. I enjoy the deep dive into the madness of someone who doesn't deserve sympathy. You're not meant to feel bad for Jimmy. You're not meant to feel sorry for him, or to feel like he's some unsung hero. He's the villain. He's the worst.
On that notion, I really love other people's interpretations and feelings about the game as a whole. I wish more people were aware of the more underlying (not actually underlying, but flat out) message of how Sexual Abuse can and will occur in nearly any job/workplace environment, whether you think so or not. Whether you acknowledge it or not. Whether you want to cover your eyes and ears and pretend it isn't happening- It does.
I don't feel bad for Jimmy. I feel bad for everyone else who had to suffer because of him. I love the way this game shows just how frustrating, how painful things can be at the hands of someone in charge- someone above you. Because a lot of people don't see this. A lot of people don't ever see the abuse and trauma one can cause, until it's too late. It makes me feel both empty and so full of pain and rage.
There's nuance, sure. Nuance to how terrible a person Jimmy is. Nuance to how badly Curly handled everything. Nuance to everything that occured- beyond black and white. Jimmy is a terrible person, but not just for the one thing he did to Anya. For many factors, INCLUDING that.
Please be well if you decide to play this game. I Hope This Hurts.
I was immediately interested in wanting to play the game, if not for the hype surrounding it by several horror enthusiasts on the internet, but also because I myself hold a soft spot for old-style looking games (a la Puppet Combo) with horror, espeically. I went in blind, not knowing what to expect beyond whatever bits and pieces I was fed through fans on social media or whathaveyou.
There was bits of the story I knew from spoilers fed to me in this regard, but I didn't know anything about the underlying themes or characters, and was eager to check it out for myself.
Players are introduced to the game with a bleak, eerie sunset on an LCD screen, with a mutilated man on a medical table, bandaged and looking at them with his sole eye. I think from here, I only grew more curious about what to expect- Of course, spoilers for anyone who hasn't played.
My first playthrough, I was confused, a bit anxious like I felt like I was on a timer. Or like, I had to rush through specific segments before "something" happened. My favorite parts were being able to talk to the other characters aboard the ship, the Tulpar.
Despite knowing I was going into a game with a psychological tag attached to it, I think it took me longer than it should for me to put together that what we see during these segments, are Jimmy's point of view. Jimmy, being one of the characters you play as throughought the narrative, (in the "present" or "future" in moments of the game) and Curly, the seemingly absent Capitan of the ship.
We play the game thinking the capitan went mad and decided to crash the ship. No real reason given and we're left to our own devices, as players, to piece together the puzzle that eventually gets fitted itself as the game progresses.
I have lots of complex feelings about this game...In that, for one; It feels like there aren't a lot of games that hone in on really shitty, scummy characters in a way like Jimmy is. Maybe that's for the best.
He's quickly shown to be a real ass. Dismissing others, giving orders and self-appointing himself as the "new" capitan as soon as the story begins. Jimmy, we eventually see, is a manipulative man. One who knows he's in position of "power" over his remaining coworkers, then turned "employees", if you want to call them that.
As the game progresses, we continuously see fragments- abstract mazes and otherworldly areas that stretch the relatively small space ship into vastness beyond what we can comprehend- we're looking into the mind of Jimmy, who is constantly trying to either "hide" or "run away" from his mistakes. His biggest fears and regrets.
But, we're not meant to feel bad for him. At least, that's what I've taken away from this. Maybe it's because I'm afab; having dealt with men in a certain way- men like Jimmy. Manipulators. People who know they're stronger than you, and can use their strength and "power" over you, especially in a workplace setting, to make you feel small and like you just can't do anything about it.
It's apparent later on, that the whole reason the game is even happening/taking place, is because Jimmy purposely tried to crash the ship and rid everyone aboard. No one would ever know, right? Sweeping it all under the rug like he broke a vase. Then crying about it, as if he wasn't the one who caused it.
Everyone else was innocent enough. Save for Curly being an enabler for Jimmy's behavior. We see that Curly, the Capitan of the ship, chose to share some rather bad news regarding their future careers (or therelackof) for the space freighter company, Pony Express, that the other characters work for. And Jimmy takes it upon himself to proclaim that, well, at least dear leader Curly won't have to worry about anything. He'll still have a job after they're all let go.
One mistake after another, one bad judgement/action taken by someone trying to (or thinking he is) do his best at "handling" the situation. I often liket to compare this game to a situation of a crowded, over-worked manager at a fast food restaurant. Busy, busy. Always needing something done and also take care of people, including your employees. But that's just it. For everyone aboard, it's just a job.
Jimmy takes it upon himself to really mess things up for everyone involved from the get go. Hearing they'll be let go, but knowing Curly will be more or less left unscathed by it, he wants to pull one over on his so-called "friend". A literal "fuck you" to him, as a leader and capitan aboard the ship. Oh, Curly thinks he knows whats best? knows what goes on? He'll show him. And by that, Jimmy does the worst possible thing.
And yet, he wanted to do so and get away with it. SA a woman, the only woman aboard the ship, Anya. Knowing everything that happens aboard the ship is scrutinized to the last minute detail (only sleep so long, only eat specific things, only do this or that or else "credits" will be docked), so Jimmy knows that if he abuses someone on the ship, Curly will be the one with the most tarnished record. Thereby making his life suffer, too.
And Jimmy thinks so, so little of Anya, that even in his mental breaks- his inner psyche that shows the "bad" he's done all the way up till "present", only shows her either censored or represented by the very thing he caused. An embryo? A uterus creature or womb with the titular "horse" motif as represented by both their business' mascot, and by superimposing this...caricature over Anya. She's so much "nothing" to Jimmy, even after knowing what he did to her, knowing he purposely raped her ONLY to "get back" at Curly for thinking he'd get out of this mass layoff "scott free", that he only ever sees her corpse once in game, and never has anything to say about it.
The youngest member of the group, Daisuke, even has himself portrayed physically within Jimmy's mental breaks. His hibiscus flower motifs from both a metaphorical sense (See: The meanings of flowers), and by his outfit- Jimmy can see how he let someone die young because of his actions. Of course, it's not like he didn't think there'd be a risk. He purposely told Daisuke to travel into a dangerous vent, even though he himself could've done it.
But he didn't. It's always someone elses' issue. Someone else to blame; someone else to MAKE do whatever Jimmy doesn't want to do, or rather "CAN'T" do. Jimmy is a failure. A weak, pathetic man who makes mistake after mistake, and then dares to cry about it like he wasn't the one who fucked everything up for everyone.
Swansea, the oldest and more seasoned member of their crew, openly admits to Jimmy his own faults- him admitting that the happiest moments of his life were when he was drunk and on death's door- not him getting sober, not him having a family...and he can admit that. To Jimmy's face, Swansea spits at him, telling him that at least he can admit it to himself. That he messed up, and tried to get better. But it didn't mean anything in the end. It never does.
To the "fast food" business relation; I can see it entirely, especially when Anya tells Curly something jarring. In her own way, in her own words, she tried to tell Curly how she was abused. Or rather, gauging how he'd bridge the topic. She asks him, why they have locks on the medical room doors and the cockpit, but not the sleeping quarters?
I feel I could relate this to a coworker of a busy company telling her boss, "Hey, how come there's a lock on the closets but not the bathroom/changing room doors?" and Curly responds like anyone might- not thinking much of what I'd consider a pretty big red flag- "...Safety."
It feels like a joke. A slap in the face. Curly touts himself as always looking at "the bigger picture". But what of the finer details? You can marvel at the beauty of the earth and think it's pure and wonderful, but within it's landscape, you have war, abuse, famine, all sorts of horriffic stuff that you would have to be blind not to notice. Curly doesn't see this as a strange thing to ask about- about the locks on the doors to the sleeping quarters. Why would he? Anya only asked a question about it. She didn't outright TELL him what happened.
But, did she need to? This was her dipping her toe into the "will he even care?" or "how do I tell him? or anyone? we're stuck in space for around the time it would take to gestate AND birth the result of what Jimmy did. Whether she "told" on him or not wouldn't change what he did, nor make it any easier to "fix" or hell, get back home sooner.
I can relate this to several personal experienecs, wherein a job is just that. A job. None of these people you work with or under or above even mean anything to others. They're just heads- mouths to feed, people to make sure are following things By The Book(tm), and when you try and bring the REALITY of something like SA to someone in charge who is very good friends with said abuser...it almost always ends up badly for the victim.
Curly, instead of making sure Anya was safe or ensuring he'd somehow punish Jimmy, tells Anya, the victim, that he's "known him for a long time" and he'll "talk to him". An all too common response to victims- The guy probably didn't "mean" to! Let me get HIS side of the story. As if the proof isn't already there when Anya tells Curly she's pregnant.
Anya had told Jimmy, and it's more or less implied he'd have nothing to do with it, and possibly implied he'd rather she "took care of it" herself. This could mean a number of things, but considering the way the game went, it's very clear what Jimmy meant by that. The way he spoke to her during the "after the crash" moments in the game are hard, beyond hard to read through, as he treats her terribly, all while knowing he did this to her.
When confronting Jimmy about what he did to Anya, Jimmy cryptically talks about how, if their ship was never found, then no one else would ever even know about these "mistakes". Like he'd just end everyone's lives of his own accord, becasue anything else is better than "taking responsibility for his actions". Jimmy doesn't know, or refuses to acknowledge what "responsibility" even means. He's a man-child. A tantrum having manipulator, who decides to take matters into his own hands.
And Curly more or less lets him. He watches him walk away, into the cockpit and steer the ship to an asteroid. Panicking in the hallway, Jimmy sits there as Curly rushes in and tries to force-correct the ship before a head-on collision that might really kill them all. But, he let him get that far. He watched Jimmy say what he was going to do, and he did it! So, why are they both panicking?
Clearly, I have big feelings on the topic outright. I wish we could've seen more of Anya. I wish we could've seen more of her, of her life or who she was as a person, but I know this game had many different points to make- one being how it's all too common for this kind of thing to happen- a woman, let alone the sole woman in a workplace environment, getting the brunt of abuse when it comes to men in power. I'm not saying this always happens. I'm saying it DOES happen, though. And we should look at it as it is.
I've wrote about this at length in other spaces. I'll share those same thoughts as well:
Jimmy is a very well written scumbag. In that, he was made to be someone you more or less don't feel a lot of sympathy for, in my mind. Or rather, made as a character you wouldn't *want* to sympathize with. The notion that, oh, "he just needs a hug", or coddling behavior for him is very odd to me. It's something I see in the MW "community"- a lot of people feel like Jimmy is someone who "could have been" a better person if xyz factors weren't in place ...but they *were*. That's what Mouthwashing *is*. Unfortunate factors that left a terrible person "In charge", and now left to literally "Take responsibility" for his actions. He fumbles, hard. He isn't redeemed, he lets everyone down and he goes out thinking or maybe even just "pretending" he did "one good thing". It's all selfish, though. It's never really for anyone else's benefit but his own.
This goes on into the feelings I have about how some afab peole seem to really enjoy the idea of Jimmy being someone they wish they could "fix"- someone they could coddle and take care of, and that imaginary version of him is what they see in rose-tinted glasses- that, Jimmy isn't "bad", he's just "misunderstood"! But...that's not true. Some people would rather pretend Jimmy (or any fictional man, for that matter) is anything but what he is. a scumbag.
Of course, that's not to say you can't have your own interpretations or your own AUs (Alternate Universes) on the topic. Any topic. Any "fandom"- no one is saying you can't. For me, though...I would rather see him as he is. He's an irredeamable, sick man who fails and fails and ultimately loses it all, thinking he did the "right thing" in the end.
There's a lot left to be said, at the end of the game, I feel. There's a lot of things left never knowing or heard about or seen, but I think that plays into the bittersweet nature of the game, Mouthwashing. Mouthwashing, as it's called, is named so, because after being stranded in space, they decide to crack open their precious cargo, knowing they're going to run out of food eventually. The expansive cargo that takes up the majority of the freighter's interior is filled to the brim with boxes and boxes of mouthwash.
Notably, Anya mentions how it's high sugar content negates any kind of anti-bacterial substances. Meaning- it's just sugar water with ethanol. Swansea, a recovering alcoholic, breaks his sobriety, knowing all too well that they're as good as dead- deciding to drink the mouthwash.
Later still, Jimmy uses this same concoction to try and "disenfect" Daisuke's deathly injuries after he sent him into the hazardous ventillation systems to force Anya out of the locked medical bay. We hear Daisuke scream out in pain, followed by him not knowing why Anya did what she did to herself, too. That's another thing about the game- the sheer amount of unknowing that all characters face. Daisuke, Anya and Swansea have no idea that Jimmy's the actual reason why the ship crashed at all. Or maybe, that's what it feels like. Part of me wants to believe that maybe Anya had an inkling to it. After all, the crash happened right after she told Jimmy she was pregnant.
Rushing into the cockpit to steer the ship away, Curly suffers near life-threatening injuries. It's a miracle he's even still alive. Skin burned off, a single eye stares at Jimmy throughout his gameplay- always judging. Always seeing him. Looking into him. Knowing it all. And unable to speak. Unable to move or make any decision for himself, nor able to fight or defend himself, much the way Anya was.
Did Curly deserve to be mutilated for not knowing how to handle the issues in the game? No, probably not. But him enabling Jimmy- him saying he'd talk to him instead of comforting Anya or taking responsibility himself by acknowledging Jimmy's faults and punishing him SOMEHOW...just feels awful. It hurts.
And, this is something that unfortunately happens often. Not the mutilation, not the everyone going down with the ship- but SA in any instance. Curly thought himself to be this...beacon. This person who felt he hit the ceiling, the top of this metaphorical ladder of workplace society- whether he was made for better things or, because he's made it as far as possible one way...that he wonders if there's anything more. Anything beyond. Everyone really does feel smaller, left behind in that sense. At least, that's how Jimmy took it.
Jimmy self appointed Curly to be this righteous "god", seeing him in his mental breaks and hallucinations as a body, a person who would eagerly tell Jimmy "it's ok. I'll take the blame. You'll be free. I'll do it all for you." Because Jimmy is nothing. And Curly is everything. Curly is everything Jimmy isn't, everything he'll never be able to achieve. Always shining- the better man.
But he's not. He's as human as everyone else. He's just a human. He makes mistakes like a human does. He's just doing his job. Or, doing what he thinks is the best job he can do. All the while, patting Jim like he's this near helpless toddler- a man-child who can't figure out life on his own, so he needs someone else to pick up the pieces for him and tell him "Everything's going to be ok". But it isn't.
It won't ever be ok.
I love this game. I love the horror, the real, actual horror that comes with how terrifying it can be, to be helpless, and letting one of the least-capable men in charge slowly chip away at everyone and everything, until he's left with bits and pieces, crying and begging someone to clean his mess up for him. Jimmy thinks he's saving Curly. Giving him a second chance, like he did. A second chance to be the capitan, when he's the one who stole that right from Curly. Jimmy thinks he can make things right. He can't. He won't, ever.
This game terrifies me. This game makes me cry, and is one of the first games in a long, long time, that has captured my thoughts and psyche in a way I didn't think possible. Maybe I'm reading way, way too into it. Maybe that's ok. I enjoy the deep dive into the madness of someone who doesn't deserve sympathy. You're not meant to feel bad for Jimmy. You're not meant to feel sorry for him, or to feel like he's some unsung hero. He's the villain. He's the worst.
On that notion, I really love other people's interpretations and feelings about the game as a whole. I wish more people were aware of the more underlying (not actually underlying, but flat out) message of how Sexual Abuse can and will occur in nearly any job/workplace environment, whether you think so or not. Whether you acknowledge it or not. Whether you want to cover your eyes and ears and pretend it isn't happening- It does.
I don't feel bad for Jimmy. I feel bad for everyone else who had to suffer because of him. I love the way this game shows just how frustrating, how painful things can be at the hands of someone in charge- someone above you. Because a lot of people don't see this. A lot of people don't ever see the abuse and trauma one can cause, until it's too late. It makes me feel both empty and so full of pain and rage.
There's nuance, sure. Nuance to how terrible a person Jimmy is. Nuance to how badly Curly handled everything. Nuance to everything that occured- beyond black and white. Jimmy is a terrible person, but not just for the one thing he did to Anya. For many factors, INCLUDING that.
Please be well if you decide to play this game. I Hope This Hurts.
