It's been a while. Sorry about that. Ever since upping my dosage of a specific medication, I've been feeling very neutral or apathetic about pretty much everything.

Playing games is a chore, writing is a chore, breathing is a chore. But, the plus side being I don't feel like I'm constantly spiraling? I'm not in a forever tornado of suffering and crying forever and ever.

But now I'm This(tm). I guess I'll reduce it again. It was increased specifically for my PMDD, but they wanted me to stay on the higher dosage just to see what happens. This happens, so nvm i guess.

It's really weird. I haven't been feeling this overwhelming sense of dread or hatred. I feel like I've been castrated from my feelings. Nothing makes me laugh or cry anymore.

A part of me felt like maybe that was a good thing, though? Because now, instead of the fear of pain and sense of Not Being, I just feel like...whatever.

Like now would be the most optimal time to try and kill myself, because I feel so neutral to even bored about the idea.

You'd think I'd be like, "I don't want to kill myself! I don't feel as bad! I should be happy!" But I just kinda feel so numb, that it just sounds even more doable. As in, I'm not really scared to do it, now.

That's a big issue, you see. I'm not supposed to feel like I want to die, still. Even though I haven't been entertaining thoughts about my mother and my abuse and my suffering growing up.

I haven't really thought about anything. My head feels foggy, I feel like i can't think about much without getting tired.

Thinking about my past is all I ever really did...and now I don't really care all of a sudden? That was a good thing. But then, I realized I also don't care about anything else, either.

Usually, thinking about planning my suicide would make me shake and cry because I've done it so often and other shit, but now...idk it sounds like just another day.

It would be really easy, too. I think that's the part that should be concerning, right? Idk. Eating is a chore, existing is a chore, it's all so stupid and I'm tired of just trying.

Killing myself would take effort, too. I don't want to do it alone, still. So I guess I'm "safe" for now? Whatever. Even writing this was hard to get myself to do, but I made myself do it to at least get some of whatever's backed up ...out?

That's what it used to be like, anyway. Have a ton of built up issues and then had to vomit it all out into a diary because #I'mSad.

My therapist says I need to work more on my sense of self, my own compassion. But...I hate that person? I hate me. I hate ittttt

I don't think I'll ever, tryly give a fuck about myself. Not in the same way I care about others. I want people to be happy and healthy and safe and warm and not have to suffer. But if I turn it around to *me*, i just.......................

it feels really fake, is all. I have to put on a fake 'yaayy....i totally Like Me....' mask. And my therapist asks me why I still think this way, even though i don't respect the person who made me believe this.

I think it's because it's all I've ever known? There hasn't been a moment where I didn't hate myself for something or another, or be so disappointed and self-loathing. Not that I can remember, anyway.

It was always just nothing. Nothing at all. It's so hard to even pretend I give a fuck about me.

I keep struggling with the idea that, despite that, maybe things will be ok? Or maybe me not accepting myself or being ok with myself is what's holding me back entirely. Maybe I want that?

How would I even know, anyway? I feel like no matter what, it wont ever be enough. I'll never, ever think of myself as anything but other people are everything, because that's just how it is.

Like, that's literally how it is. I can't afford to be selfish. "liking myself" is so stupid, very nonsensical to me, because it feels so untrue.

Is this also an autistic thing? The overarching feeling of lying/wanting to be truthful. So, in truth, I hate myself, so why would i "pretend" to like myself, when that would be a lie?

My therapist says the rigid thinking is also because of my autism. Or plays a big part in it. I see I see.

Now that i've gotten my official diagnosis, I felt very whole and accomplished and like, I could shove it in my mom's face for all that she's done to me.

Proof, now, that she was a terrible mother to somone who has a legitimate disability (because it is, in this society)- like it was a feeling of SEE??? I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!

It felt good saying it to her. But like usual, she just felt bad. Got quiet and didn't want to talk much. How come she gets to feel like that, when she was the one who would make me and my brother feel like worthless pieces of shit?

How come she gets to "feel bad" and cry, when she did what she did, and didn't do what she should have? How come she gets to be a fucking moron and I have to plan how I die before her?

Maybe I really do like being miserable. Maybe that's it. Maybe I looooove being so sad and useless and worthless, and stupid because it's all I've ever wanted. Ohhhh ohhh, someone pleeease feel bad for me!!!!

All I can do is hurt me in any other way. I need to stick a fucking fork in my brain and twirl it around and plop it on a plate.

I can only do mental self-harm. Otherwise, I feel like i'm staring at a wall. looking in at nothing. nothing at all. it feels like solitary confinement.

But, didn't I want this? to be alone or not think about anything ever at all? Didn't I want to become stupid and empty-headed too?

I mean, maybe I'm close? maybe if I'm stupid enough, I won't have anything anymore. Maybe I can live in bliss, maybe I can be ok, with one good dent to the skull.

Mmmmmmmbut I caaantttt

so, all I can do is distract, or just zone out. Zone out and sleep. yaayyy...

You know, I haven't talked to anyone in a while. I have two people I talk to on occasion, my only friends, but even that is starting to feel like...unnecessary.

Like I could kind of slip away and it wouldn't really be different? I think if they read that, they'd be really upset. I'm sorry.

But see, even now, I'm making it about myself. I'm just selfish and stupid and love love love being sad.

I don't want to be sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I also don't want to feel like nothing at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So all I can do is just ??????? idk, fuck around.

I don't talk to anyone, I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. Just like I wanted. Does anyone want any of my worldly posessions? My sister-in-law didn't like when I said that, off-handedly.

I wonder if she knows how close to suicide me and her brother are? She has so much else to worry about; moving and taking care of her children, my niece and nephew.

I think it might devastate them if I died. The kids, I mean. I don't want to do that to them.

But I also don't want to hurt. When I talked to a previous doctor about assisted suicide, she said that doctors would have to sign off on it or approve of it first. She didn't like when I asked her if she'd do it.

but then again, she's also the one who misinformed me about my medication, so idk how to feel about her and that regard, either.

and, if I keep being Super Crazy, they'll just put me in a place that's supposed to Cure Me, a box to Teach Me A Lesson about dying without permission.

is it bad that I kinda wish I could find a suicide pact somewhere? do forums like that still exist? I wouldn't know where to look without raising suspicion.

Of course, that would mean I'd have to talk to other people. So maybe not. Because I Don't Play Well With Others, remember? I'm So Odd and Strange, hahahaa imagine getting kicked out of the suicide pact for being too annoying.

Ehh. I have to put a disclaimer that I Won't Kill Myself anytime soon, but boy oh boy do I wish I could do something to make my brain not be what it is.

ohhh but I'll keep wishin!!! I'll keep onnn wishin!

I don't want to keep feeling like this. How often do I have to say that for something to change?

I know I'm the one who has to make effort and decisions to reach that, but the big barrier of Me Hate Myself is still in the way.

Is that the new stretch goal? Ooooo try and try to at least get better at pretending to give a fuck about me? like, me as a person. an individual?

I'd rather go to bed. Wake me up when everything is all over and I can wander about in the wasteland with my husband.

That's it again, being super selfish and only caring about myself. How can I be this selfish and still hate myself? pick one or the other lmao

MMmmuhhh but ): But im still #sick ): even though im making breakthroughs in my childhood trauma, I'm still so ): sad ):

I'm just going to go around in circles abt how much i don't like me, so I'm just gunna stop and smoke or something. What if the world was made of pudding etc. etc.

I feel weird. Like, especially numb lately. It's hard to say if it's because a number of things.

Is it my med increase? Is it me laying off the edibles every single fucking day? Did I get enough of it out of my system finally? I don't know.

Maybe I just am like this, now. Sometimes I'm super wired and ultra sensitive and sometimes I'm just... this.

My grandfather has been falling a lot, lately. He lives up north with my other family. He's nearly 90.

I never had much of a relationship with him, beyond a sort of babysitter when I was little. We all did; me, my brother, our cousins...

But he was just kind of...there.

I don't have a lot of good memories of him, either. Some bad, mostly neutral or noticing signs of his dementia early on.

My mom and aunt never really wanted to hear about it. Said we were being annoying and don't know anything.

Now they're taking care of him and visiting him a lot, more than they would normally. Because of his advanced dementia.

Part of me was concerned about my mother and her future, regarding this. She says she'll be fine with my aunt. Ok? I guess you guys can take care of one another.

I don't know what I'd do. If my mom were sick and needed help. This is a difficult situation, I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

...............I don't know what to think of, a lot. Lately, I've been so numb, I don't really feel like laughing at funny things, either. It feels like a lot of effort. Is this better than feeling miserable? I don't know.

I keep wanting to cry, but nothing happens. I need to sit and really, really try hard to cry if I wanted to, now. Before, I could just exist, and the tears would come, because I'm always anticipating the fuck-up I'll do/have done.

But right now, I feel really muted. Like I have a big glass dome over myself and no one can hear the me on the inside because I put myself in a cage. Is it still "me" piloting this thing?

Who else is it? I sometimes feel the "child-self", but I'm able to tell her off to the point she just agrees and we move on. Is this progress? Or is this just medication?

I've been on this concoction of medicine before, with this measurement of dosage, and yet, I feel different. I feel numb, but at least I don't feel miserable? I just feel stunted and like a bee under a cup.

Buzzing around, frantic but my outside self, the meat machine moving and existing, is just...plain. Bla. Nothing.

That's good though, right? Not trying to hide away, not constantly thinking about how much of a failure I am or whatever. I'm just...here, now. I'm here and I don't know what.

I feel like something in my head just short-circuted. Did I pop something with my last meltdown? Isn't this what I wanted? To feel "dumb" and like "I don't know anything"? Is that it? I don't know. Maybe this is better.

I feel like I don't really understand things even more, though. I'm more curious but ultimately neutral about getting the answer. The answer to anything. Any question or contemplative, inner thought. It's just "whatever" right now.

Part of me is already thinking about changing my dosage back to what it was. Because this feeling that it is right now, feels uncomfortable. But it's been less than a month, now. I need to keep at it to see if anything will change. And even if it does, I have to hold my tongue if I talk to a dr, because I don't know what will happen.

I don't know what I'll say. I can't ever predict whatever, and even if I think I'll say the right thing, what if I say the "wrong" thing? Will I even know what I'm talking about? My mouth will move, but is that me the one saying it? Or is it something else?

Is it someONE else? I don't know. I don't know that I care a whole lot. But I feel stuck. Like I'm pushing and pushing but it's a brick wall and no door and I'm just here and all around me is blackout curtains so I can't even see if I'm having fomo, either.

Is this my mental 'time out'? I don't even imagine, really. I want to imagine. I want to drift off and be somewhere else where things are different. But I can't, like this. Is it bringing me down? to reality, too much?

I don't know. I'm going to clear out some of/most of my last post because it was embarrassing to me and I hate thinking about it. Clearly some things aren't different, if I'm still letting stupid shit bother me.

When will it be enough? Like, how much more do I have to make an ass out of myself before I'm happy? I don't think I'll ever be truly 'happy' with me. Who I am. Myself. All I am is neurotic, so whenever I think about talking to someone new, I think "i don't know how to do this, im going to be a jerk without realizing it aren't i" and then I just probably clam up.

Why do I even care? I'm not meeting new people! What am I worried about? Nothing? Probably. Everything is so much of a "nothing burger", I just need "something" to fill the void. Am I getting closer to doing something?? I don't have the drive to. I just feel tired. Numb and tired.

Actually, I don't want to keep doing this, so I'm going to stop for now. Hm.

Am I feeling any better? Am I done embarrassing myself? I don't know. No one especially made me feel embarrassed but myself.

I'm sorry to make people worry about me. I feel guilty about that, especially because I never really expect anyone to actually read these.

I'm so close to actually just disappearing online entirely. I keep thinking about just deleting everything and starting over as someone else.

People have told me not to do that, though. That it wouldn't be nice or fair to myself to delete all my games and stuff. But I keep thinking about how I don't really care about me. Or my things.

It's like in my head, I know it'll make me sad. Make me hurt, and I want to hurt myself so sososososooooo much, so I look for any and every instance to let it happen.

Let myself feel bad. Let myself ruminate and stew in it because I think I deserve it. I need to be punished.

Oh, but then, isn't that super performative? I'm only ever feeling a certain way SOMETIMES. Which means, if I go ahead and delete stuff, I'll just sit there and be sad about it. I won't have it anymore and I'll have to just deal with it.

I still want to make games. I started making a few and just stopped halfway through. I think it happened around the time I had my feelings really hurt last year, and I've just been punishing myself since then.

Punishing myself for acting like a fucking lunatic, reading too much into human interactions and ultimately pushing others away because I'm "too much".

I feel really, really embarrassed about it. I've left spaces I thought were safe and friendly because I made an ass out of myself. Being too needy and pushy.

And so, I've isolated for the past few months. I'm not in any server I talk in. I sit at home and feel bad. I'm disabled so I don't go anywhere. Where would I go? I never wanted to go anywhere anyway.

I've isolated and broke away from any kind of interaction because I needed to. Any time I talk to new people, I come across super super strongly, wayyyyy too needy and overthinking each and every response people make.

"Did they mean it "x" way? should I do "y"? What's the right thing to say?" And then I make everyone just go quiet because I didn't know I shouldn't ask certain things.

So now I don't talk to anyone. I chat online with two people once in a while, but otherwise I'm home alone until my husband comes home from work.

Ohhhhhhhh, I'm still teaching myself to better isolate! I'm still teaching myself not to want social interaction of any kind, because none will ever be "right". Right?

I can try, you know? I can try, enter a space and then just stand there. Just .....do nothing. If that's the case, then why even bother joining? If I'm not going to make any kind of connection, friend or otherwise, why bother doing anything at all (socially)?

I thought I wasn't bothered by this. I thought I figured it out. Why do I fucking care?

I mean, clearly I *don't*, if I'm teaching myself not to make an effort. I know making friends is difficult, especially online, especially in my age group, especially with my fucking stupid ass mental illnesses and mental disabilities.

So then, what's wrong? If I don't care, why do I get bothered at all? Do I really care? If I did, then I'd do something about it, right?

Ohhhhh ohhhho it's so hard to try )': it's so hard to tryyy <- saying in a sarcastic tone. Because I'm punishing myself right now by telling myself how stupid I feel.

I don't want anyone to worry.

But I'm doing stupid shit all the time. "Why do you let xyz control you? Why do you let xyz memories and bad experiences dictate what you should do/try to do?" I guess I loooove being sad. I love being miserable because it's all I've ever really known.

Boo fucking hoo though, right?

I wish I could do something to snap myself out of this. I wish I could be stupider, less self-aware. I wish I wasn't *LIKE THIS*.

But I am.

*Snip*

I wish it was over. I wish it would all just be over and I could be free and not worry about it ever at all.

But it isn't, and now I have to Deal With It however I can. I don't know. I don't know anything! I don't know anything at all!

All I can do is this. I can do this, and I can do small things. Is that enough? I already know the answer, I just like to be sad, I guess.

I hope it gets better (: I hope it gets better.

I need to distract again, so idk I'm just going to do something else now. Sorry again for worrying people, I'm just really damaged (cringe), and old (doube cringe), so just please pretend it's ok.

I mean, I know I have to! I have to pretend it's ok, otherwise something something whatever.

Writing it out is helpful. I need to get these thoughts out of my head because then they just sit there forever. So that's why I'm writing them down.

That's all.

I don't know where most of April went. I don't know a lot of things.

My doctor let me up my dosage for my PMDD, but he did it in a kind of tongue-in-cheek sort of way;

saying how "well, it's not exactly known WHY people with PMDD suddenly feel a bit better with increased medication during menstruation..."

and then went on to disregard a lot of things, basically saying: "Yes, I will refill your meds, but just know, it doesn't make sense for it to be working (if it does)".

He then went on to say he was using chatgpt for something. I thought he was joking.

I said how I was happy people were fighting back against those programs, how people were getting threats and other shit.

My dr then said, "well, it's an inevitable technology that we have to get used to." and i was quiet. Then I asked if the whole dr's office uses chatgpt for their business.

He said "We don't use it for medical records, we just use it like a glorified search engine" with a laugh.

it wasn't funny to me. I got quiet and he kept looking over at me and i felt myself going somewhere else, looking at the wall.

He hesitantly asked if I was ok, so I deflected and told him about my wrist injury (spica splint for tendonitis).

I felt like I lost a lot of respect for that man, in the span of 3 minutes. He even recently got his masters in psychology so I'm just confused. Why the fuck would he bother telling me he's using something that gives you the wrong answers on purpose?

idk. He's also leaving the practice, moving out of state so I probably won't see him again, but it just felt very....jarring. I feel weird.

Lately, every little thing tends to make me incredibly anxious. I think it has to do with how much weed I've been consuming on the daily.

People in the south might be familiar with this but, weed out here is classified differently, and to make a long story short: it's much weaker of a substance. It's a "Hemp product" out here, so I'd need to smoke or eat a lot of edibles to feel anything.

I've been taking edibles every single day for more than a week. It feels bad, not gunna lie.

I use it to numb everything, feel silly or loopy for a short while, maybe sleep part of the day away so I don't get frozen in fear from separation anxiety.

That's really pathetic, but it's either this or suicide. I'm not joking, I'd rather fucking kill myself than give it up entirely.

I can't function properly for long without some kind of mind numbing chemical in me. My meds. Weed. Alcohol. Something to keep me from doing something stupid and dangerous.

Of course, it's not like I drink as often as I smoke/do edibles. I drink maybe once or twice a month on a weekend with my husband.

My fear of vomiting puts me in this space where I can't make myself drink more even if I like the feeling.

And I can tell the weed is the culprit for my increased anxiety and irritability, because whenever I stop (that is to say, when I'm completely sober for more than a few days), I don't feel as bad.

Or am I just telling myself that? Do I know that's the reason for sure? Am I not just "regular crazy" and not "withdrawal crazy"?

It's late and I told myself I should sleep, but I got distracted with the new Tomodachi Life game, I stayed up and now my head feels funny.

I should sleep, but my husband gets up in almost two hours, so there's no real point. (I like to wake up with him and prep his stuff for work. At least be minimally useful)

I should say, I'm the only one who feels this way about me, though. My husband loves and cherishes me and spoils me an awful lot.........

And yet, I'm still so damaged and miserable? All this because I talked to my mom for a few minutes?

She was going to call me on the weekend last week. And then she didn't. I was pissed a bit, but kept quiet because clearly, I'm very much secondary to her.

The only real reason she contacts me at any point for anything ever at all is either an emergency, or she's bored. That's it. I stopped being her child the moment I entered elementary school.

It was too much. Idk. She's very dismissive. I could tell her the most important thing in my life, I could tell her how I'm trying not to kill myself every day, I could tell her anything at all, and she'd be quiet for a moment, realize she wasn't listening, and then change the subject.

It's so easy! It's so easy to be clueless and not realize how much she's hurt me! It must be nice. It must be really, really nice, living in her bubble. Never ever ever having to think back about how she fucked us over from birth.

She didn't call me back like she said she would. That's fine. Then she suddenly did, a day later than she said she would. Because she forgot. I'm worth forgetting.

She pushed me away from her when I tried to hug her goodbye, before she moved back up north. I thought it was a good moment to do so. She didn't like the feeling.

That conversation I had with her, on the phone after she forgot about me, was so bland, too. It didn't mean anything. Never fucking does. It was about nothing, like usual.

And yet, even that. Just that alone was enough to ruin my whole fucking week. I was just easily crying, overwhelmed, fearful and constant catatonia (as described by my therapist recently...yaay...)

I don't know why I let her have any kind of power over me and my feelings.

I don't know why. Do I like being miserable? Do I love tearing down my progress to remind myself, "hey! you're doing ok now, but dont forget your mom was mean to you when you were a kid (: " fucking stuuuupid I feel so stupid.

It's like my conciousness goes in and out. I feel like whenever I wake up, I don't know who I'm going to be for the day. For the hour. I don't know who's piloting this.

Is it me? Is it the child me? The "Mother"-self in my head hasn't said much lately. Is this something specific? I didn't mention this much to the therapist, there wasn't enough time in the session.

I feel scared. I feel lost and stupid and dizzy. It's like my mind can't be "whole" without being sad for a while. I need to purge the toxins and other stuff poisoning me by crying. I can't self harm, but I can cry.

I keep being told that I shouldn't have to cry to get feelings out, but it's the only thing that helps. And then there's always a chance for a spiral that'll keep me in bed afterwards. So there's that.

Sometimes I can cry and cry and then get on with the day. Like I need time to get it out. Does it fill up too much? I can have a happy time with my husband for hours, but suddenly become super sensitive to even the most nothing comments, because I look too deeply into it and what they must mean, and I make myself sad again.

I want to die but I can't die, so I have to be here and deal with whatever's happening to me. And then I self-medicate. I take my meds every day, but I also use edibles every day. I don't want to, and sometimes!!! sometimes I actually *CAN* go without them!!!!!

But it's always random!!!!!! What'll it be today!! What's going to be "WRONG" with me today?????????

I don't know!!!!! I never know! I never ever know what's gunna happen and then I feel insane bc I feel better after being coddled. What the fuck is up with that, huh?

Ohhh, oh poor me!!! ooo poor me, I was so sad ): oh poor me, I'm so sad and miserable ): someone pay attention to me!! Someone do something!!!

I'm so tireddddd I'm so sleepy. I made plans for tomorrow for myself, and I already fucked them up by staying up.

If I go to sleep, I'll be someone else when I wake up and I'm not sure who. It's different every time. I have to play along.

Writing things out helps, some. I know this and yet I keep finding excuses not to write. It's like my mind is dead-set on making it near impossible to feel better. But I'm fighting it just by living, right?

I keep trying. I have to keep trying.

I have to keep trying and not do anything stupid because then it'll all have been a waste!! What a waste!!!

After this, I already know I'm going to sleep and then "feel fine" after. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Have a little reprieve before remembering ! Ah! Right, haha! I'mmmmm sooo sadddd

Whatever man

I love having PMDD. I love that it fucks up everything I think I've made progress with, and throws it out the window and makes it seem like everything is awful and won't ever be better ever again.

I know there's things I can do about it, like taking other medication (maybe), but birth control tends to fuck me over pretty badly. I took it for years and years, trying a few different ones till me and my doctor tried just not being on it.

Which...did help. It at least helped the constant dread being lifted, and now only really happening around or approaching my period.

Anyway, whenever I'm feeling a particular way, especially these sudden influxes of doom and lethargy, I can attribute to PMDD....but at the same time, I can't tell if it's all the time.

What I mean is: sometimes I can't tell if any kind of "dread" I'm feeling is actually from PMDD. What if it's just regular mental illness? As if it's actually "regular" in any way. Semantics.

If I'm crazy all the time, I guess that would make sense. My therapist wouldn't like to hear me calling myself crazy. She'd say how I'm not being "crazy", I'm being myself. I'm experiencing emotions and probably overwhelming feelings from my own traumas and self-imposed restrictions.

I'm not "crazy", I'm misunderstood and trying to convey feelings. Frustration and powerlessness to the things that plague my every waking moment.

I mean, I feel "crazy". Sometimes my vision blurs and I feel dizzy, my heart races and I can't think or convey my feelings into words, I just end up shutting down, curling up and panicking.

Despite that, it otherwise just makes me so exhausted. My mind is in a near constant state of flight/fright/freeze(or fawn). If I don't have constant stimulus, I shut down and spiral.

I've sat with these feelings before, and it always makes me start entering that place. The house I grew up in. The way those people made me and my brother feel.

The bad, awful things I did, too. As an unmedicated child, reactive and hurting people back.

There isn't a single moment in my life that isn't somehow, eventually, reminding me of what happened.

I could be doing something totally random, anything at all, you name it, and it was probably something I was scrutinized about. Because it was soooo fun to make fun of me and my brother for any little thing we did.

I can't even exist in my own head without some shit.

...Speaking of that, I've discovered something. Lately, I've been talking to myself, in my head a lot. I keep this constant feeling of like I'm piloting an aircraft or some flying saucer, InsideOut style behind some controls but it's ME.

And when I talk to myself, feeling those sensations that make me feel bad, call myself an awful person and how no one will ever truly care about me- I step back from the controls and turn around and say, "why. why are you doing this to me? who are you? Who's saying this shit to me all the time?"

And I pull the curtain back, I lift up the ghost costume over someone, and it's me. It's a part of me, either my younger self, sometimes it's my sonic-self insert I drew when i was 11, they're ever changing.

And they'll act like a child caught red handed, shuffling their feet with their hands behind their back going: "I dunno... I dunno..." And they don't answer.

It's frustrating.

But recently, a new person has appeared. She seems motherly? For some reason, in my mind, she (sometimes) looks like Cream the Rabbit's mother, Vanilla, but her face is constantly blurred and obscured by something.

That mother figure sometimes comes in my head to remind me about the progress I've made. She tells me to be kind to myself and other positive things.

I argue about the younger me, the one that's hurting me over and over. And the Mother figure picks them up and tells me how, I can't get rid of them. I can't throw away a part of myself. I have to live with them

But, the Mother figure is kind and patient. She wants us all to get along. I know this. I know this, and I'm trying, but it's so fucking hard.

With PMDD, all of a sudden, I don't hear any voice besides the me that's telling me to kill myself.

It's not even my "child self", it's me, or a version of me I can't comprehend. Maybe it's just me? The real me? Is the real me the one who comes out during these times to remind myself as a whole, that I wasn't supposed to live this long, and should hurry up and die?

I don't know.

I told my therapist about them, the ones in my head. She says the smaller one, is more powerful, the one who reminds me of the past and makes me remember my childhood abuse... that one was fed more.

My therapist tells me that children are supposed to be fed by the adults around them- fed how to be empathetic and nurturing to others, and help and love them.

My family didn't do this. The adults in my life left me to fend for myself and figure shit out and so, I was alone with the me from the start, I was alone from the very beginning with no one else to figure out how to grow.

So I fed it myself. I nurtured myself with the only information I knew about adults: Adults existed in my life, to ridicule, to abuse, and to make sure I did not feel safe.

It makes sense, why she'd have a bigger influence on my psyche, then. She's been here the whole time.

But, the Mother figure is newer. When I asked her why she can't help me more often, or where she's been this whole time, she said it took a lot of energy to even be here, so she couldn't possibly be the one to always be there.

That made sense in my mind.

I think the Mother figure in my head, is sometimes the one helping boost my feelings when I can have the clarity to be able to clean or pick up after myself.

She's not always there, but when she is, I can do just that much.

Otherwise, it feels exhausting right after.

I know none of these things are "real". I know they're fractions, segments of my inner mind, my psyche creating characters and reasoning for whatever going on in my life and maybe some other stuff.

Even so, I feel empty inside. Right now, at least.

Where even are those voices, now? Is it because I'm PMDD...ing right now? Is it because I'm distracted enough? Is it something else? Is it my mind erasing the option to even connect to that, like punishing myself even further?

Like saying: "Hey, its me, your brain. I can see you're trying to cope and hug a security blanket but you're too old for this, so I'm going to purge it."

Like I have to rip away the thing that brings me comfort. Because in my mind, I don't *deserve* comfort. I deserve hate, and abuse, and torture, and abandonment because what else is there?????????

And, then I'm brought out of it, distracted enough with my husband. I can distract for short periods when I'm with him. But it still rears its head.

Sometimes it just plop, shit in my hands and now I'm dealing with that. My mind falling apart because waaahhh, waaaahhh the adults in my life when I was a kid were soooo meannnn ):

My therapist says when I talk like that about myself, that I'm being really mean to myself. I feel indifferent when I hear this.

Because it's second nature to be cruel to myself. I have to be, I have to punish myself because I'm "bad", and I don't do "good" and I'm "useless" as a human.

I know it'll take time to unlearn this. I think a part of me definitely won't let it happen, though. I think I'll always, always hate myself.

The biggest thing, is how I wish I could not give a fuck. I wish I could cut off the part of my brain that makes me give a shit about any of it.

But, that's also something I have to learn. Learn how to not give a fuck. It's hard. It's really hard, and I'm tired and I just want to give up and die already.

But I can't. I can't die. I don't WANT to die, I want to grow old with my husband and.........anything else but I'm fighting!!!! I'm fighting myself and the stigma and the everything always going on forever and ever!!!

I don't know, I'm just fucking exhausted, man.

After talking with my therapist for a while, i think i've become somewhat enlightened...? or like I've realized something about myself.

I'm so desparately lonely, and I never know the answer when it comes to "how many friends will be enough?" and "how many people do I need to talk to me at a time to feel anything at all?"

After talking with her, I realized I just..........don't?? I don't know. I don't really think anything would be enough, because I'm always missing my husband in particular.

And no one can be my husband.

I'm not talking about anything romantic or whatever. I just know, I'm lonely. I need a distraction, otherwise I'm alone and empty. Nothing else really matters unless it's him.

Of course I love the few friends I do have. I can't thank them enough for even talking to me through all this bullshit. Thank you, guys. Idk if you'll ever see this, since I don't really talk abt my website much beyond silly stuff.

I've realized that no one else will make me feel less lonely than my husband. He's my best friend in the whole world. And he's the one I miss being around me, all day long, while he works for our little family.

I feel like such a fucking idiot, being so needy, someone pacify me! That kind of thing. I feel embarrassed, but I also need to get it out of my system.

I thought about how, on my husband's days off, I sometimes don't even touch my phone for hours. I could probably just not use any kind of entertainment like socmed or internet things, as long as he's there.

This isn't me saying I don't need my friends. I need them, too. I just don't think I need.....or want any new ones.

I wonder if this whole thing was me mourning the loss? Mourning the loss of being able to actually make new, meaningful relationships. And now, I'm just this.

This person or thing that should be content in what they have, content in the love of my life, and my small group of very close friends who I cherish so much.

This person who doesn't need anyone new in their life, because they have it already. I should've been happy with what i had to begin with, is the thing.

I know people have said this to me before. I guess it never really clicked until therapy, figuring out how I don't think I want to ever try to make new, meaningful connections. Not on my own, at least.

So, I'm going to stop. I won't try anymore. I won't beg or cry or ask anyone to be my friend ever again.

That's not to say I won't welcome conversation. I'll leave the door open for people to communicate with me, if I'm in a space that allows it. I won't completely shut my heart out to something new. I just won't be the one to initiate it.

I'm already too much. I'm a handful, and difficult to get along with. That "doesn't play nice with others" kind of sign they have to put up on my cage.

And yet, I'll be fine with the right people. The friends I DO have are so special to me, and I think that's another big thing: I feel so much, I have so much in my heart that's bursting at the seams, and I'm so jaded and neurotic, that once every bit of that is peeled away, and they see the raw, real me, and they stick around even after that..................

I think those are the truest, realist friends I'll ever have. Thank you for being a part of my life.

I feel like a big weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm a lonely person, but I want to talk with my lonely side some more. I need to be comfortable in silence again, need to be comfortable being alone for hours at a time.

Even so, I'll do my best to reach out to those who do care about me. Talk to the people I know who already care.

I don't want to try anymore. So, I won't. I won't try and make new connections, new friends. I won't do it like I had been this whole time- ending up awkward, and begging and over the top because I'm so desparate for something to cure me of this fucking empty feeling I have when I'm alone for a bit.

If it happens on it's own, of course I'll hopefully nurture it. But otherwise, I'm done. It only ever made me more sad, more of a self-fufilling prophecy of me wanting something, trying too hard, getting upset I can't mask well, and then forcefully isolating till i want to kill myself.

With this new outlook, I'm hoping I can maybe return to socmed, if only with the idea to exist in a space without the expectation to meet anyone new/make a new close friendship, and just let it happen naturally.

I know this seems like a given: it should be obvious to just have been doing that this whole fucking time. Maybe the trauma or the autism or the other learning disabilities have a play in this, but then, wouldn't that be me leaning on those as excuses?

I'm not making an excuse. I'm a lot to handle. I'm spontaneous, sad, anxious, silly. And I know the only way to BE better is to DO better.

Starting with my own self doubts and insecurities.

I have this or that wrong with me, but I'm still here. I haven't killed myself yet. I can't, I want to live with my husband till we're killed or we can grow old and die together, if possible.

I've always had a hard time making (and keeping) friends. It was a major factor in my own childhood, especially academically speaking. Why did my teachers get so mad when I said the other kids didn't wanna play with me, lmao?

I didn't wanna play with them, either. I think I felt this need to be seen, be the center of their lives and attention, because of the abuse going on in my own home that I didn't even realize was happening.

And now I'm this.

But it's not bad forever.

Maybe.

I'm still damaged, that's true. But maybe, with this new outlook, I can feel a little better. Be more comfortable in my "online loneliness" in this way.

I still think a lobotomy would be a lot better, but this is going to have to cut it.

I'm sorry to the people I tried way too hard to befriend. It was really awkward and you didn't reciprocate, and didn't know how to turn me down from being close to you.

I'm pretty clueless unless it's written outright. Or, the inevitible: them ignoring me, particularly in public online spaces (again, bc I'm too much).

I won't try anymore. I'll just exist in a space.

That's better than forcing isolation to the point of suicide, right?

Because, I want to share my art again. I want to exist in spaces, even if I'm not going to make any new friends. I want to be able to exist and not give a fuck what happens.

This is a big step for me. I'm happy I can clear my mind of this kind of thing.... and hopefully do something better. for me. for the new people who find me. for my love and my friends.

We'll see what happens next. I look forward to being somewhere I can post artwork publicly again.

I'd still like to make a gallery here someday, and I have ideas about it. We'll see, we'll see........

You know, even though I made that post about still wanting to make friends, I know in my heart, that it probably won't ever really happen.

I've tried, a lot. Like, again and again and again, and it just doesn't work out for me. Clearly, I'm the factor and I just don't mesh well enough with others.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have more friends! I'm desparate for it, actually! But, when all's said and done, I'm just not cut out for it. All I do is disappoint people and then I feel left out and abandoned.

I never know when it's a good time to nudge someone, bug 'em like "hey, what's up!", because I KNOW they're busy!!! People have a life!! Just because I'M disabled and homebound and bored, doesn't mean OTHER people don't have shit to do.

I need to give people their space and then I feel guilty about bothering anyone because, what if they just need a break from me? Or anything? So I leave it alone.

Stupid and annoying. I know it's counterproductive to ruminate on these things, but I also know, getting it out of my head is better than killing myself, so that's why I write about it instead.

Sometimes I think about how my husband said "Having two friends is ok!" and I want to die. What amount of friends would make me stop feeling this way?

I think there's no amount that my inner self would really feel like it's enough. It'd be nicer if I could talk with people every single day, but I can't do that, either.

I'm too old. I'm too out of my element, so I talk to ....no one. No one. I'm just alone with my thoughts for hours and hours and I feel guilty complaining about it in any capacity, because my husband works so hard for us, why can't I just be happy for THAT?????

Noooo, no, I have to WANT. I have to keep WANTING and WANTING and NEEDING and nothing will ever ever ever ever eeeeever be enough, no no, not for me. Not for me (:

So, even though I'd like more connection, even though I'd love to talk with people every day, even though I WANT, I KNOW I can't have it. I don't know how, and I also don't think I really deserve it.

If I'm broken down enough, when will I stop thinking about it? When will I stop craving it? When will I be comfortable in my loneliness till I don't need someone to talk to when I'm alone?

When I'm dead?

That's annoying. I'm so tired of being annoying and needy and cringe and lame and stupid and useless.

At least there's things I can use to distract from the loneliness. At least there's that. At least I'm married. At least My husband is the only one I can talk to every single day.

That's another thing. You'd THINK I'd be happy, being married!!! I AM HAPPY!!!! But apparently, because he works, and I'm home alone, I need to ?????? be a big fat fucking child and whine and cry because ohhh oh, i'm just a fucking dog!!! I'm a dog, I'm a dog!!!!!!

I'm just a dog with separation anxiety, and I need to tear up a few cushions and throw up on the floor because ohhhh, ooooohhhhh im sooo saddddd, im so lonely, ):

God it's really really pathetic.

My child-self would probably be really disappointed.

Don't worry, kiddo!!! I'm disappointed, too!!!!!

I dunno. I know things will probably be ok, in the end. But it hurts. And it's lonely, these times I'm without my husband. I wish I didn't have whatever's wrong with me, but welp. Here it is.

At the very least, I'm happy to be getting Tomodachi Life 2 when it comes out. I'll be able to have my friends there, again. Like I used to, back when the one was released for the 3ds.

At least I can play pretend! I'm always playing pretend. I'm always playing with my toys all by myself.

So, how come I'm not used to it yet?

Actually, I know the reason. But if I cut it all out, then I really will be alone. Like, for good.

So, I can't. Not yet.

But I want to.

But I can't.

So, here we go. This...... shit. again. aw shit here we go again, am I right fellas haha

I hope I can forget ever feeling this way.

I keep forgetting to take my meds at a decent time. Apparently, it had been almost 4 days since I last took them. It really shows, too, because I felt like I'd regressed back to a point where the crippling loneliness reared it's ugly head.

I'm still lonely, but I'm trying to manage it, trying to figure myself out and how to go about ...living with it all the time.

Being disabled is really shit, but it's also shitty just feeling like I'm only ever able to be on the outside looking in at others making friends and hanging out, even in a digital space.

I'm always really jealous whenever I see people saying they're playing games with one another, multiplayer stuff even if it's games I'm not interested in. I'm like, "god i wish that were me.jpg".

But I also know, I won't get anywhere with making friends if I don't put in the effort......even though I know it's scary. Even though I know it's difficult with my age. I'd like to make more friends with people in my age-group. It's just hard.......

I've tried joining servers for ppl in my age group before, but no one is also as "silly" as I am. Everyone is pretty ......boring??? idfk.

That's probably a not so nice thing to generalize. I'm sorry. I just tried, a number of times. And every time, I felt very isolated because I'm so neurotic.

I just want to chill, be silly and laugh with like minded adults. And with the age verification shit happening, who knows when that'll make it even harder to find adult spaces online (bc I'm sure as hell not still using discord when they roll that out rip).

Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. I wouldn't know. Trying again and again takes a lot of effort, and is really draining on me, emotionally. Maybe it'll get easier, maybe not.....

But I don't want to give up. I don't want to keep hurting myself by forcing isolation. I want to try...but it'll take time ):

Maybe if I phrase it this way, it won't be as scary....

Testing, testing. I'll be using this as my new journal. Status up at the top will change depending on the last entry posted (or whenever I fawking remember to do so).