I love having PMDD. I love that it fucks up everything I think I've made progress with, and throws it out the window and makes it seem like everything is awful and won't ever be better ever again.

I know there's things I can do about it, like taking other medication (maybe), but birth control tends to fuck me over pretty badly. I took it for years and years, trying a few different ones till me and my doctor tried just not being on it.

Which...did help. It at least helped the constant dread being lifted, and now only really happening around or approaching my period.

Anyway, whenever I'm feeling a particular way, especially these sudden influxes of doom and lethargy, I can attribute to PMDD....but at the same time, I can't tell if it's all the time.

What I mean is: sometimes I can't tell if any kind of "dread" I'm feeling is actually from PMDD. What if it's just regular mental illness? As if it's actually "regular" in any way. Semantics.

If I'm crazy all the time, I guess that would make sense. My therapist wouldn't like to hear me calling myself crazy. She'd say how I'm not being "crazy", I'm being myself. I'm experiencing emotions and probably overwhelming feelings from my own traumas and self-imposed restrictions.

I'm not "crazy", I'm misunderstood and trying to convey feelings. Frustration and powerlessness to the things that plague my every waking moment.

I mean, I feel "crazy". Sometimes my vision blurs and I feel dizzy, my heart races and I can't think or convey my feelings into words, I just end up shutting down, curling up and panicking.

Despite that, it otherwise just makes me so exhausted. My mind is in a near constant state of flight/fight/freeze(or fawn). If I don't have constant stimulus, I shut down and spiral.

I've sat with these feelings before, and it always makes me start entering that place. The house I grew up in. The way those people made me and my brother feel.

The bad, awful things I did, too. As an unmedicated child, reactive and hurting people back.

There isn't a single moment in my life that isn't somehow, eventually, reminding me of what happened.

I could be doing something totally random, anything at all, you name it, and it was probably something I was scrutinized about. Because it was soooo fun to make fun of me and my brother for any little thing we did.

I can't even exist in my own head without some shit.

...Speaking of that, I've discovered something. Lately, I've been talking to myself, in my head a lot. I keep this constant feeling of like I'm piloting an aircraft or some flying saucer, InsideOut style behind some controls but it's ME.

And when I talk to myself, feeling those sensations that make me feel bad, call myself an awful person and how no one will ever truly care about me- I step back from the controls and turn around and say, "why. why are you doing this to me? who are you? Who's saying this shit to me all the time?"

And I pull the curtain back, I lift up the ghost costume over someone, and it's me. It's a part of me, either my younger self, sometimes it's my sonic-self insert I drew when i was 11, they're ever changing.

And they'll act like a child caught red handed, shuffling their feet with their hands behind their back going: "I dunno... I dunno..." And they don't answer.

It's frustrating.

But recently, a new person has appeared. She seems motherly? For some reason, in my mind, she (sometimes) looks like Cream the Rabbit's mother, Vanilla, but her face is constantly blurred and obscured by something.

That mother figure sometimes comes in my head to remind me about the progress I've made. She tells me to be kind to myself and other positive things.

I argue about the younger me, the one that's hurting me over and over. And the Mother figure picks them up and tells me how, I can't get rid of them. I can't throw away a part of myself. I have to live with them

But, the Mother figure is kind and patient. She wants us all to get along. I know this. I know this, and I'm trying, but it's so fucking hard.

With PMDD, all of a sudden, I don't hear any voice besides the me that's telling me to kill myself.

It's not even my "child self", it's me, or a version of me I can't comprehend. Maybe it's just me? The real me? Is the real me the one who comes out during these times to remind myself as a whole, that I wasn't supposed to live this long, and should hurry up and die?

I don't know.

I told my therapist about them, the ones in my head. She says the smaller one, is more powerful, the one who reminds me of the past and makes me remember my childhood abuse... that one was fed more.

My therapist tells me that children are supposed to be fed by the adults around them- fed how to be empathetic and nurturing to others, and help and love them.

My family didn't do this. The adults in my life left me to fend for myself and figure shit out and so, I was alone with the me from the start, I was alone from the very beginning with no one else to figure out how to grow.

So I fed it myself. I nurtured myself with the only information I knew about adults: Adults existed in my life, to ridicule, to abuse, and to make sure I did not feel safe.

It makes sense, why she'd have a bigger influence on my psyche, then. She's been here the whole time.

But, the Mother figure is newer. When I asked her why she can't help me more often, or where she's been this whole time, she said it took a lot of energy to even be here, so she couldn't possibly be the one to always be there.

That made sense in my mind.

I think the Mother figure in my head, is sometimes the one helping boost my feelings when I can have the clarity to be able to clean or pick up after myself.

She's not always there, but when she is, I can do just that much.

Otherwise, it feels exhausting right after.

I know none of these things are "real". I know they're fractions, segments of my inner mind, my psyche creating characters and reasoning for whatever going on in my life and maybe some other stuff.

Even so, I feel empty inside. Right now, at least.

Where even are those voices, now? Is it because I'm PMDD...ing right now? Is it because I'm distracted enough? Is it something else? Is it my mind erasing the option to even connect to that, like punishing myself even further?

Like saying: "Hey, its me, your brain. I can see you're trying to cope and hug a security blanket but you're too old for this, so I'm going to purge it."

Like I have to rip away the thing that brings me comfort. Because in my mind, I don't *deserve* comfort. I deserve hate, and abuse, and torture, and abandonment because what else is there?????????

And, then I'm brought out of it, distracted enough with my husband. I can distract for short periods when I'm with him. But it still rears its head.

Sometimes it just plop, shit in my hands and now I'm dealing with that. My mind falling apart because waaahhh, waaaahhh the adults in my life when I was a kid were soooo meannnn ):

My therapist says when I talk like that about myself, that I'm being really mean to myself. I feel indifferent when I hear this.

Because it's second nature to be cruel to myself. I have to be, I have to punish myself because I'm "bad", and I don't do "good" and I'm "useless" as a human.

I know it'll take time to unlearn this. I think a part of me definitely won't let it happen, though. I think I'll always, always hate myself.

The biggest thing, is how I wish I could not give a fuck. I wish I could cut off the part of my brain that makes me give a shit about any of it.

But, that's also something I have to learn. Learn how to not give a fuck. It's hard. It's really hard, and I'm tired and I just want to give up and die already.

But I can't. I can't die. I don't WANT to die, I want to grow old with my husband and.........anything else but I'm fighting!!!! I'm fighting myself and the stigma and the everything always going on forever and ever!!!

I don't know, I'm just fucking exhausted, man.

After talking with my therapist for a while, i think i've become somewhat enlightened...? or like I've realized something about myself.

I'm so desparately lonely, and I never know the answer when it comes to "how many friends will be enough?" and "how many people do I need to talk to me at a time to feel anything at all?"

After talking with her, I realized I just..........don't?? I don't know. I don't really think anything would be enough, because I'm always missing my husband in particular.

And no one can be my husband.

I'm not talking about anything romantic or whatever. I just know, I'm lonely. I need a distraction, otherwise I'm alone and empty. Nothing else really matters unless it's him.

Of course I love the few friends I do have. I can't thank them enough for even talking to me through all this bullshit. Thank you, guys. Idk if you'll ever see this, since I don't really talk abt my website much beyond silly stuff.

I've realized that no one else will make me feel less lonely than my husband. He's my best friend in the whole world. And he's the one I miss being around me, all day long, while he works for our little family.

I feel like such a fucking idiot, being so needy, someone pacify me! That kind of thing. I feel embarrassed, but I also need to get it out of my system.

I thought about how, on my husband's days off, I sometimes don't even touch my phone for hours. I could probably just not use any kind of entertainment like socmed or internet things, as long as he's there.

This isn't me saying I don't need my friends. I need them, too. I just don't think I need.....or want any new ones.

I wonder if this whole thing was me mourning the loss? Mourning the loss of being able to actually make new, meaningful relationships. And now, I'm just this.

This person or thing that should be content in what they have, content in the love of my life, and my small group of very close friends who I cherish so much.

This person who doesn't need anyone new in their life, because they have it already. I should've been happy with what i had to begin with, is the thing.

I know people have said this to me before. I guess it never really clicked until therapy, figuring out how I don't think I want to ever try to make new, meaningful connections. Not on my own, at least.

So, I'm going to stop. I won't try anymore. I won't beg or cry or ask anyone to be my friend ever again.

That's not to say I won't welcome conversation. I'll leave the door open for people to communicate with me, if I'm in a space that allows it. I won't completely shut my heart out to something new. I just won't be the one to initiate it.

I'm already too much. I'm a handful, and difficult to get along with. That "doesn't play nice with others" kind of sign they have to put up on my cage.

And yet, I'll be fine with the right people. The friends I DO have are so special to me, and I think that's another big thing: I feel so much, I have so much in my heart that's bursting at the seams, and I'm so jaded and neurotic, that once every bit of that is peeled away, and they see the raw, real me, and they stick around even after that..................

I think those are the truest, realist friends I'll ever have. Thank you for being a part of my life.

I feel like a big weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm a lonely person, but I want to talk with my lonely side some more. I need to be comfortable in silence again, need to be comfortable being alone for hours at a time.

Even so, I'll do my best to reach out to those who do care about me. Talk to the people I know who already care.

I don't want to try anymore. So, I won't. I won't try and make new connections, new friends. I won't do it like I had been this whole time- ending up awkward, and begging and over the top because I'm so desparate for something to cure me of this fucking empty feeling I have when I'm alone for a bit.

If it happens on it's own, of course I'll hopefully nurture it. But otherwise, I'm done. It only ever made me more sad, more of a self-fufilling prophecy of me wanting something, trying too hard, getting upset I can't mask well, and then forcefully isolating till i want to kill myself.

With this new outlook, I'm hoping I can maybe return to socmed, if only with the idea to exist in a space without the expectation to meet anyone new/make a new close friendship, and just let it happen naturally.

I know this seems like a given: it should be obvious to just have been doing that this whole fucking time. Maybe the trauma or the autism or the other learning disabilities have a play in this, but then, wouldn't that be me leaning on those as excuses?

I'm not making an excuse. I'm a lot to handle. I'm spontaneous, sad, anxious, silly. And I know the only way to BE better is to DO better.

Starting with my own self doubts and insecurities.

I have this or that wrong with me, but I'm still here. I haven't killed myself yet. I can't, I want to live with my husband till we're killed or we can grow old and die together, if possible.

I've always had a hard time making (and keeping) friends. It was a major factor in my own childhood, especially academically speaking. Why did my teachers get so mad when I said the other kids didn't wanna play with me, lmao?

I didn't wanna play with them, either. I think I felt this need to be seen, be the center of their lives and attention, because of the abuse going on in my own home that I didn't even realize was happening.

And now I'm this.

But it's not bad forever.

Maybe.

I'm still damaged, that's true. But maybe, with this new outlook, I can feel a little better. Be more comfortable in my "online loneliness" in this way.

I still think a lobotomy would be a lot better, but this is going to have to cut it.

I'm sorry to the people I tried way too hard to befriend. It was really awkward and you didn't reciprocate, and didn't know how to turn me down from being close to you.

I'm pretty clueless unless it's written outright. Or, the inevitible: them ignoring me, particularly in public online spaces (again, bc I'm too much).

I won't try anymore. I'll just exist in a space.

That's better than forcing isolation to the point of suicide, right?

Because, I want to share my art again. I want to exist in spaces, even if I'm not going to make any new friends. I want to be able to exist and not give a fuck what happens.

This is a big step for me. I'm happy I can clear my mind of this kind of thing.... and hopefully do something better. for me. for the new people who find me. for my love and my friends.

We'll see what happens next. I look forward to being somewhere I can post artwork publicly again.

I'd still like to make a gallery here someday, and I have ideas about it. We'll see, we'll see........

You know, even though I made that post about still wanting to make friends, I know in my heart, that it probably won't ever really happen.

I've tried, a lot. Like, again and again and again, and it just doesn't work out for me. Clearly, I'm the factor and I just don't mesh well enough with others.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have more friends! I'm desparate for it, actually! But, when all's said and done, I'm just not cut out for it. All I do is disappoint people and then I feel left out and abandoned.

I never know when it's a good time to nudge someone, bug 'em like "hey, what's up!", because I KNOW they're busy!!! People have a life!! Just because I'M disabled and homebound and bored, doesn't mean OTHER people don't have shit to do.

I need to give people their space and then I feel guilty about bothering anyone because, what if they just need a break from me? Or anything? So I leave it alone.

Stupid and annoying. I know it's counterproductive to ruminate on these things, but I also know, getting it out of my head is better than killing myself, so that's why I write about it instead.

Sometimes I think about how my husband said "Having two friends is ok!" and I want to die. What amount of friends would make me stop feeling this way?

I think there's no amount that my inner self would really feel like it's enough. It'd be nicer if I could talk with people every single day, but I can't do that, either.

I'm too old. I'm too out of my element, so I talk to ....no one. No one. I'm just alone with my thoughts for hours and hours and I feel guilty complaining about it in any capacity, because my husband works so hard for us, why can't I just be happy for THAT?????

Noooo, no, I have to WANT. I have to keep WANTING and WANTING and NEEDING and nothing will ever ever ever ever eeeeever be enough, no no, not for me. Not for me (:

So, even though I'd like more connection, even though I'd love to talk with people every day, even though I WANT, I KNOW I can't have it. I don't know how, and I also don't think I really deserve it.

If I'm broken down enough, when will I stop thinking about it? When will I stop craving it? When will I be comfortable in my loneliness till I don't need someone to talk to when I'm alone?

When I'm dead?

That's annoying. I'm so tired of being annoying and needy and cringe and lame and stupid and useless.

At least there's things I can use to distract from the loneliness. At least there's that. At least I'm married. At least My husband is the only one I can talk to every single day.

That's another thing. You'd THINK I'd be happy, being married!!! I AM HAPPY!!!! But apparently, because he works, and I'm home alone, I need to ?????? be a big fat fucking child and whine and cry because ohhh oh, i'm just a fucking dog!!! I'm a dog, I'm a dog!!!!!!

I'm just a dog with separation anxiety, and I need to tear up a few cushions and throw up on the floor because ohhhh, ooooohhhhh im sooo saddddd, im so lonely, ):

God it's really really pathetic.

My child-self would probably be really disappointed.

Don't worry, kiddo!!! I'm disappointed, too!!!!!

I dunno. I know things will probably be ok, in the end. But it hurts. And it's lonely, these times I'm without my husband. I wish I didn't have whatever's wrong with me, but welp. Here it is.

At the very least, I'm happy to be getting Tomodachi Life 2 when it comes out. I'll be able to have my friends there, again. Like I used to, back when the one was released for the 3ds.

At least I can play pretend! I'm always playing pretend. I'm always playing with my toys all by myself.

So, how come I'm not used to it yet?

Actually, I know the reason. But if I cut it all out, then I really will be alone. Like, for good.

So, I can't. Not yet.

But I want to.

But I can't.

So, here we go. This...... shit. again. aw shit here we go again, am I right fellas haha

I hope I can forget ever feeling this way.

I keep forgetting to take my meds at a decent time. Apparently, it had been almost 4 days since I last took them. It really shows, too, because I felt like I'd regressed back to a point where the crippling loneliness reared it's ugly head.

I'm still lonely, but I'm trying to manage it, trying to figure myself out and how to go about ...living with it all the time.

Being disabled is really shit, but it's also shitty just feeling like I'm only ever able to be on the outside looking in at others making friends and hanging out, even in a digital space.

I'm always really jealous whenever I see people saying they're playing games with one another, multiplayer stuff even if it's games I'm not interested in. I'm like, "god i wish that were me.jpg".

But I also know, I won't get anywhere with making friends if I don't put in the effort......even though I know it's scary. Even though I know it's difficult with my age. I'd like to make more friends with people in my age-group. It's just hard.......

I've tried joining servers for ppl in my age group before, but no one is also as "silly" as I am. Everyone is pretty ......boring??? idfk.

That's probably a not so nice thing to generalize. I'm sorry. I just tried, a number of times. And every time, I felt very isolated because I'm so neurotic.

I just want to chill, be silly and laugh with like minded adults. And with the age verification shit happening, who knows when that'll make it even harder to find adult spaces online (bc I'm sure as hell not still using discord when they roll that out rip).

Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. I wouldn't know. Trying again and again takes a lot of effort, and is really draining on me, emotionally. Maybe it'll get easier, maybe not.....

But I don't want to give up. I don't want to keep hurting myself by forcing isolation. I want to try...but it'll take time ):

Maybe if I phrase it this way, it won't be as scary....

Testing, testing. I'll be using this as my new journal. Status up at the top will change depending on the last entry posted (or whenever I fawking remember to do so).