Diary

So far

4/15/2025

I think I marked the date wrong on the original post of my first journal/diary entry, but I don't really care that much to do anything about it. Anyway...

I've nuked my main social media (bsky) for the time being. After taking a bit of a break, I went and deleted only text posts...then everything that wasn't artwork of my own. Seeing my art there with nothing else just made me feel strange.

I think, after seeing it laid mostly bare like that, I felt empty inside. Not because I regretted it, but...just, nothing.

Looking at my art on a media platform like that, I came to kind of realize that posting art doesn't even make me happy anymore. It used to, sure, back when I wanted internet numbers to fuel my sense of self-worth. Now, though, I don't give a fuck. I don't make money off of artwork anymore, so everything is very low-stakes to me.

I also removed links to my bsky for now, both on itchio and on this website- I feel a bit of catharsis about it. I think a big part of me feeling freaked out (when it came to posting on socmed), was me having this weird sense that I needed to "appear proper"- since, like I mentioned, most people who come to my socmed are (probably) those who saw my games first on itchio.

So, when I think about that, I think: "ah, these people have probably played my silly games and maybe expect me to act/think/post a specific way. I better act the part and not be stupid." and I tried to make things reflect that- minimal personal posts and just focus on gamedev and art. But that got boring, fast.

Because I'm not really someone who just...doesn't yap/babble/talk a bunch. I have a lot to say, all the time, mostly about nothing. My therapist thinks I might have AuDHD and not just autism. I can definitely see it, especially considering ...well. It All.

I could never mask either online OR in real life- I'm me all the time and I don't know how to NOT be me. That includes me just saying nonsense or writing it out and walking away. Short-form internet like bsky or twitter was alright for someone like me- nothing with a lot of substance, just post and be done. "Did xyz today yaaay" and that's that. Who the fuck cares?

But because I held this weird notion of "well, people who come to my page probably expect one thing or the other..." I constantly felt really stupid. Cringe, annoying, weird, blah blah. So, when I saw more people follow me, I began to panic. "How should I be? What kind of person am I supposed to act like in public? Will it be too much whiplash for people playing my game about me wanting to kill myself, then coming to my socmed and seeing me be like "random meme img"??

And again, I'd ask myself: "Who cares? WHY do I care?" I don't know why I care so much about how I'm seen by other people. I'm a silly person, but I'm also mentally impared, ill, disabled etc. A large part of ME is not of very sound mind. Yet, I have some moments where I want to be funny, too! I'm human, I think?? So why give a fuck?

I think I'm afraid. I hate seeing the numbers- the amount of people who like a post, the number of people following just shown to whomever (a trait I'm glad is absent in spaces like tumblr), it's like I can see exactly who has been watching me. Or NOT watching me. I have stats hidden using an element blocker here on neocities, so I can't even see that- but when I did see it, I didn't feel as paranoid as I did with socmed.

No one else in the world would give two shits about this kind of thing, though. I'm as aware as the rest; how, just because I'm paranoid online, doesn't mean anyone in the real world will know or care. Do internet hit points translate into whether I'm able to go to the store in public or not?? No? Then why let socmed control my mentality like that? I need to change my relationship with socmed. With the internet.

This is such a "nothing" problem, too. I should be worried about the world more than this- I should be thinking about my life as-is and who I am as a person versus whatever this nonsense is about being or not being "seen" as "cringe" online, because none of this fucking matters. It doesn't matter, so why do I let it affect me?

It's like my mind needs to find some incoherent, stupid, non-tangible THING to get worked up about, because chronic anxiety and depression and autism just wasn't enough, I guess. Time to "make a problem" where there is none.

And, people might think: "Who care....just delete and move on?" I'm trying to. I think I'm stuck. The want to be a part of a community of like-minded individuals vs. the fear of being seen as myself is so jarring. I want to be online, I want to be on socmed with the few friends I have, because I know if I cut it out entirely, I'll be all alone.

Loneliness. It's always that- what it comes down to. I want to be happy online but I don't know how to navigate the world. I want to start again- it was always the best for me. Purging things and just starting again. Maybe I should've done that from the start? I don't know. I don't know anything.

But what I do know, is that these days I've spent just NOT posting on socmed has been a bit of a relief. A break is always nice. But, I know I'll crave the feeling of being on socmed again, in some form. Maybe when I've had enough of a break, that is.

I think I'm working it out, slowly, in my mind. About how to tackle this nothing-burger of an "issue" for myself. I'm sorry for being such a lunatic about it; if it wasn't clear already- this is mental illness at its finest, I'm sure. Well, a part of it for someone like me, it seems.

Restart and Jealousy

4/11/2025

It's been a long time since I've made any kind of personal journal on my website. I missed it for sure, but plenty of mental factors have made it difficult for me to keep up with it- particularly the "lure" of short-form posts like social media, even though that fact alone makes me fucking sick.

I've talked to my therapist about this. I asked her why I keep caring bout such things- even I don't know for sure. She asked me the same back- "Why *DO* you care?" I don't know. I mean, I think I know why exactly I do care. I've spent so much of my life online, from elementary school into my 30s- "anyone who's anyone is online!" ok, I'm online. Now what?

"Well, if you make art, you should be on DeviantArt." Ok, I am 11 and I've made a DeviantArt. Now what? "If you're a REAL artist, you'll make art and get pageviews and have tons of friends who want to talk with you."

Ok, I'm sure trying. I'm trying to make art and get pageviews, but again; I'm 11 years old. How come no one wants to talk to me? "You must be doing something wrong. Everyone else on the planet can do xyz but you being unable to do so means you're a failure, and kind of a loser, too." Ah. Ok. I am a loser.

Of course, it's not as if I wasn't talked to by adults at that age. Seems only older men really wanted to talk to me, which looking back, was a really really dangerous thing. You know how it goes. "Wow, adults want to talk to me! I must be doing something right (:" and then they get inappropriate and I feel weird bc I'm prepubescent and don't understand much about this sort of thing, along with other undiagnosed issues.

And so, I followed the need to use a magical device (the internet) to keep trying. Keep trying to "make friends", get out of my "here and now" mentality because I feel so lonely and stupid. Not to mention all the shit going on in my home life as well.

I feel crazy. I constantly check apps and socmed (social media) because I can't stand one moment of thinking about my own life. If I do, then I'll spiral and want to die. I've gotten a bit better at that thanks to a change in medication, but I still feel so fucking lonely.

I feel so bad for the people who talk to me. I'm so cringe or weird or unpredictable, that I can tell they're always like "oh! you're like this ALL the time, huh?" I'm sorry. Part of me knows I don't really deserve to have friends. I'm thankful for the friends I do have despite it all, but I always feel really left out. Always.

Like I don't know how to just be happy with what I have. Can't be happy no matter what I guess. I'm past the point of needing or wanting socmed numbers to crawl upward, I don't make money off of art anymore, so having a following on any platform isn't meaningful or anything to try to accomplish.

Every once in a while, I'll go through the motions of wanting to purge every account everywhere. I say it all the time and then I just end up not doing it at the last minute. Like I'm like "well....whatever." and I let it sit forever. What the fuck do I even want lol

No one else has a lot of time on their hands like I do. Being disabled keeps me at home all the time, but that doesn't mean everyone else is. I know this. I know people have lives and things elsewhere- I just hate social media especially, because I'm always jealous of the people talking. Chatting and knowing they all have a huge friend group and I'm purposely excluded from that because I'm so fucking annoying or weird or old or stupid.

My mind won't let me be happy with a single fucking thing. Don't want to kill yourself very often? Ok, here's a new thing to occupy your mind with- a new worry that other people don't have an issue with.

For the longest time, I wanted to be the type of person who just doesn't say much online- like some of my favorite artists keep to themselves online. They're never speaking much publicly, just posting art and walking away. I wish I could be that. I wish I could not give a fuck. I wish I wasn't so desparate for any kind of social interaction, yet standing there with a big PLEASE BE MY FRIEND sign has never worked. Why keep fucking trying???

Something something loneliness pandemic. But, I know I'm someone who doesn't deserve to be friends with. Time and time again has proven that to me. Me being "myself" has never been a good thing. I've never been able to mask well, if at all. So, I can't even pretend to be someone else anyway. I self-isolate and rot in my mind because I disallow myself the "treat" of human interaction.

Yet, when I try, I can see people actively ignoring me- purposely skipping over whatever it is I have to say so they can reply to anyone else- I hate knowing I'm the only one they did this to. I hate seeing how I'm the one they didn't talk to. Like I'm so much of a "nothing" that I can be forgotten or very easy to pretend I'm not even there.

So, I'm just a lonely shut in. I don't do anything. I can barely do the bare minimum. And when I think about that, I feel so pathetic. I'm this old now and I'm still struggling. I'm still so fucking lonely and stupid. I should be happy I'm at least married to someone I love so much. Why do I crave human interaction so much when I know no one wants me there? No one else, rather.

Maybe I like to punish myself. A form of self-harm to have my heart out there, like "anyone wanna talk to me? (:" knowing full well not a single person would, and then I cry about it like I didn't anticipate it. I think I'm just stupid.

Oh, I wish I could disappear sometimes. I wish I never made any social media. I wish I just posted art and walked away. Maybe if I start again, I can do that. But now, I feel like I'd be disappointing people. But at the end of the day, none of this really matters right? None of this will affect me in the real world, so - ugh.

An endless loop of me bitching and moaning like I won't be sucked back into it the moment someone shoots me a message. I want so badly to belong, to be a part of a community of people who like the same things I do, who draw the same things or who play the same things or anything at all- but I don't know how. I keep trying but I'm starting to realize how I just ....don't get it.

I don't get it. I don't understand how to be a human. I didn't mean to live this long, but I'm glad I didn't die before marrying my high school sweetheart. I'm glad I'm alive for other reasons. I just wish I didn't give a fuck. I want to learn how to let internet stuff go. I want to learn how to be happy without the need for human validation from strangers on the internet.

The only thing that makes me happy in the "real" world is my husband. I'm so happy for that- being with him makes me so fufilled. Yet, doing the things I like to do online just doesn't feel good anymore. I think I know what this means, and I know how to proceed, but it's so difficult. I've spent so long trying to be online and make lasting friendships but it just doesn't work.

Ripping off the bandaid, as it were. I hate being openly perceived. Because I know someone/everyone is making fun of me. Why do I care? Why do I let nothing affect me? I dunno. I think I'm slowly learning that I need to "break up" with this way of using the internet. Parts of it DO make me happy, sure. I just need to realize, and accept that I cannot make friends online, and I need to stop trying.

I've made some friends, don't get me wrong. But the big picture- stop fucking trying, is the thing. I need to figure out how to do this. I know deleting accounts is a big step towards that. I'll come up with whatever excuse not to, but even I'm not lost on the whole "none of this will affect me irl" like I keep spouting- if my accounts were all wiped, I'd live. It would be annoying and maybe even hurt a bit, but I won't DIE.

I'm so, so close. I'm so close to figuring it all out for myself. I want to be happy. I'm trying.