Egg Blog

July 9th 2023

Things haven't been going very well for me, mentally. I don't know. I sent a message to my primary physician about my suicidal thoughts and tendencies- they seem to prop up even more lately. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing either, though.

I don't have much to say. I've been working a little bit on some characters for a small project for a gamejam I wanted to take part of later next month. part of me is wondering if I'll even go through with it, though. I already went ahead and made the sprites, so I might as well do something with 'em, even if I don't do the gamejam.

It's hard for me to imagine things in the near future, lately. I'm not doing very good. I just want to sleep. This isn't a cry for help- I've stated this many times before. I'm alone with my thoughts for hours a day. It's not anyone elses' fault or anything. Life just happens that way.

Actually, I've said this before, but I never imagined I'd live past 30. I'm 32 now. It's getting harder to want to imagine a horizon beyond what I anticipated. I haven't had the energy to do much besides sleep. I can do meaneal chores, but nothing substantial. It all sounds so pathetic, haha.

I don't know... I hate feeling like this. The only other times I don't feel this way is when I'm asleep or high. I've been offered the opprotunity to see a facility for my mental state, but the reviews and office itself was so awful- I might as well just be stagnant. Maybe I'm making excuses? It's hard to really put it into words. I hate this.

Sorry if this is hard for other people to read. I might get embarrassed and delete this later, if I remember to. I know I said I'd try and not apologize for my words on my own blog, but if the numbers are anything to go by- I'm sorry all the same. I'm not doing ok.

My husband works so hard for us. I should be grateful and be doing all I can to make it up to him, and yet I'm just moping about, sleeping or crying about dumb shit. I have insurance now, so I really should talk to someone, if I can. Maybe. I don't know.

Things are sometimes stagnant. I think things are looking up a bit, and then a lot of my trauma rears its shitty head and then oops! Suddenly THIS. It's annoying. It's painful. I hate this. I hate that I can only escape from my mind by numbing it or being unconcious. There's nothing else I can really do.

I've talked to a therapist before- a few years ago. They were the ones who diagnosed my CPTSD. I had to stop seeing them after I was laid off, though. It's embarrassing. I don't know if I want to see that therapist again, though. She brought up "religion" and I instantly shut down anything she said after that- silently, of course. I just didn't take anything she said after that seriously. I'm not a religious person. But I live in the deep south of TX, and I'm NB and POC. I'm married to a trans man. We're not exactly supported by people out here.

It would be nice if we had the funds to move to a less conservitave space, but it's just not possible for us. That kind of despair hinders my thoughts as well. Like, it's almost impossible to think that we'll be out of this state- or out of this situation at all. There's nothing anyone can really do for us, either. It's hard to find a stable, well-paying job ANYWHERE in the US right now- not to mention, there's no way we'd be able to afford housing anywhere else.

Maybe I like suffering, or soemthing. If I really didn't want things to stay the same, then shouldn't I be doing more to make a change in my life???? who knows! I don't. I don't know. I'm just really exhausted. I'm so tired.

Be safe. I'm talking with my brother right now- please don't think I'm someone who needs immediate assistance- there's nothing people can really do for me at this point anyway. nothing anyone outside of my immediate circle of family. This is just a venting space for me, after all.