Ah, it's been a long while again, hasn't it;;

I was able to heal mostly from my back pain with rest and moderate activity. I couldn't afford the CT scan, even with insurance, so that was out- but it ended up working out in the end.

I've been keeping busy with housework...as minimal as it can be. I've wanted to be able to go outside more, but the weather's been really harsh (over 107 fahrenheit), and high humidity. I suppose that's just another excuse to be more withdrawn again, though.

There's not a lot to talk about, really. I keep going through the motions...a lot of issues I have regarding my trauma has to do with keeping my mind occupied at most times. If I'm not distracted in some way, then it kind of just creeps up on me and drowns out all other senses. I'm sure those of you reading who also suffer from trauma and depression know what I'm talking about.

Part of me feels bad for always feeling like this(tm), but another part of me is trying to forgive myself for that...to forgive myself for putting myself down for feeling sad in the first place. A large part of my upbringing was being told that I'm "too big" to be feeling a certain way. Often being told: "You're x years old now. You shouldn't be thinking x anymore.", even though I was still a child.

Ah, yeah... a lot of that was said to me because I was no longer a cute doll to play dress-up with. I was "old enough" to reach the stove, and "old enough" to have "thoughts of my own", so it wasn't "fun" anymore. It was just easier to tell me that I was the burden- because I had become so much of a "chore".

Then there's that other part of me...the part of me who is saying: "Ahh, you shouldn't be airing out your dirty laundry like this- what's the good in that? You're just making people feel uncomfortable".

Maybe that's true. I don't know. I'm so often alone with my own thoughts, and having nowhere to really let them out. I don't have anyone to talk to during the day. Sure, I talk to some friends once in a blue moon, but more often than not, I try not to message first if I can avoid it. I hate being a burden.

It's not fair of me to be like this, then, right? Like...how is it "fair" of me to be so desparate for friendships and any kind of social interaction if I don't make an effort?

I'm probably punishing myself. Even though I say I'm trying to forgive myself- there's still a large part of me that feels like I don't "deserve" that kind of thing..... even though that just sounds really stupid when I write it out like this.

Truth be told; I never intended to live past age 30. I had a lot of things planned out to make it end- a lot of things I would've needed to put together to make it easier... but I didn't.

Things changed in my life. Things are constantly changing.

I finally married my high school sweetheart. I was diagnosed with manic depression and CPTSD. I gained then lost a large group of my very first online friends. I made comissions.

There's so much left, and I wouldn't be here without my husband as my anchor- I know this. But I wish I didn't keep needing to use substances to keep me "balanced" or keep this "voice" from making me just DO "something" spontanious and drastic- but If I don't, then I'll keep hearing it.

Oh, I know there's places and people to contact when things get particularly rough. I've even had prior work experience where a supervisor handed me a slip of paper for a helpline. It's just....not easy. It's not so simple.

People can look at this and see me as a pathetic, weak old woman- just another blip on the internet, and that's fine. I make this space for myself. I hate myself. I don't want to KEEP feeling that way, though.

Sometimes, it's not so bad. Sometimes, I even forget I'm neurodivergent or mentally ill. And then it just kinda comes back in waves.

I'm not looking for sympathy or handouts- I'm not asking for anything. I just need a place to document my thoughts and feelings, otherwise it'll fester in my mind until it coagulates into some other kind of fucked up thing that will cause me to be impulsive.

I'm technically "safe". I don't need someone to try and reach out- things will smooth over eventually, and I'll inevitably feel embarrassed or ashamed for even shaing these "thoughts" to begin with. That's just the kinda loop I'm stuck in.

Maybe I'm also feeling particularly frustrated since my birthday is rapidly approaching. I don't have a lot of good birthday memories- but I'm glad my husband cares so much.

He's one of the few things holding me together. He keeps me grounded....I rely on that part of him a bit too much, I think. I ought to do more for him, too.

I'm trying to stop apologizing for everything. So... I won't say "sorry" for writing embarrassing or dark things in this personal journal. Instead, I'll say:

Thanks for reading this far. Despite it all, I want to try to keep going.

There's a lot of things I want to create. I have a lot of time on my hands. Might as well, right?

Projects I haven't developed, stories I haven't fleshed out, characters I haven't drawn yet- there's a lot to keep me occupied. Hopefully it doesn't keep overwhelming me... the posibilities, I mean.

I hope you'll look forward to it, whenever I release something new. Please take care.

Wow, a whole new month... my birthday is at the end of the month, on the 29th...

My back pain has gotten significantly better- rather, it's been healing better.

We're still waiting on my husbands' insurance card to come in before I see a doctor for the CT form they gave us. Hopefully I wont have to really bother with it by then...although, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get it looked at anyway, even if it doesn't hurt by the time we get it looked at.

My husband moved my monitor to a different location so I can stand and work on my computer instead of sitting- this has also done wonders for my posture overall.

I'm trying to be more active and eat better too...drs orders and well, I should really do more physical activity anyway since I'm a housewife without any physical activities.

I'm quite introverted by nature. It's difficult for me to find a "reason" to be up and active if I don't "need" to be. I.E.: "Why bother doing x if I don't have a reason to do "x". or "Why go for a walk at all, where would I even go?" that kind of thing.

Our town is definitely NOT a walkable one. Our neighborhood is right next to a highway, so even if I walk half a mile to the exit of our gated community, there would still be no sidewalk or safe path for me to walk to the nearest store anyway.

I know I can just walk for the sake of walking, (which I plan on doing and/or have been slowly) but I just needed to kick myself in the butt to just rip off the bandage and DO IT ALREADY.

Honestly, I feel like I'd walk more if we had a dog- then I'd actually have a reason besides myself to go outside. I mean, I'm already severely vitamin D deficient too, so being cooped up is just not good anyway. I dunno, I just keep making up excuses.

I want to do better for myself, even just a bit- by walking a little a day, just around the block for starters. Y'know, back in 2011-2013ish I walked to and from work abt an hour back and forth...it was nice.
I don't own a license or a car, so walking was my only option back then. Of course, back where we used to live, it was easy to walk to the nearest store and/or strip-mall. Our current place of living.....meh.

Anyways, that's all for now. Thank you all for the well wishes, too! I wholly appreciate it;; Thank you!! Have a good one~